How Not to Get Rid Of Poison Ivy
       Hi, my name is Sean, and I have poison ivy. Guess what--I hate it. I've tried a hundred different self-invented, self-inflicted ridiculous remedies to get rid of poison ivy, and none of them have worked. That's why I want to tell you guys about them, so you don't go wasting your time.

       First of all, this poison ivy stuff can get really itchy. You may think that itching it will somehow help relieve your troubles. Wrong. It spreads your troubles all over your body. You could start with just one dot on your arm and end up like the Incredible Inside-out Puss Freak that I am on my way to becoming.

       So I tried to stop scratching, but it's not very easy. I was told that the ocean can help dry out poison ivy and make it heal more quickly. Since I'm not going to the ocean, I actually tried soaking in salt water. It sort of burned where my sores were open, but other than that I basically wasted forty-five minutes of my life sitting there getting dirty.

       So then I tried pouring salt directly into my poison ivy sores. It hurt, but it didn't help me. I think if you're going to try this, you should mix the salt with some water to make a paste. At least, that's what Sarah the Anatomy student told me--after I did it. But I'm not resentful.

       I'm just really itchy. So I went out and bought a bottle of Caladryl, and I put it on my sores whenever they start to itch, but I keep putting a lot on and they keep on itching so I think this "itch-relief" medication stuff is just a piece of crap that I wasted five and a half bucks on when right now I could have been listening to a cd containing selections of beautiful classical music, since classical music is relatively inexpensive.

       Okay, yeah right, I never would have bought the cd, but that doesn't make me feel any better or less itchy or in a better mood or put any better topics in my head to write about except for this confounded poison ivy. So go to bed already, it's way past my bedtime. And try, try really hard not to ever get poison ivy!!! But if you do, don't do any of the things I did, just cut straight to the chase and shoot up those steroids right on the spot, because I REALLY HATE POISON IVY!!!

       And how.