Attention, Students!

Attention, Students!

Kids. Sitting in a classroom. Very boring.

         It has come to the attention of the high school administration that certain students involved in school sponsored theatrical productions and shows have been deviating from the rehearsed script for these productions in order to add what these students may think is humor to the aforementioned productions, at the expense of the pride and dignity of the original script, certain faculty members, and the Macarena.

         Such transgressions cannot be tolerated. Audiences should not be exposed to such misrepresentations of the school and student body, regardless of whether it approves of these misrepresentations, or if these misrepresentations are actually true representations and we are actually trying to enforce misrepresentation with this notice, in which case the conscious usage of confusing logic, circular logic and/or philosophy in a high school environment will have to be reviewed. Let it be known that hypocrisy is not considered conscious usage, and therefore may be safely continued by all involved in the running of this school, with the exception, of course, of students and the custodial staff.

         In the future, ANY deviation from the script of a school drama production, for any reason, will be punishable with the IMMEDIATE halt of the production, the offender's REMOVAL from said production, ONE SATURDAY DETENTION for EACH WORD or action in deviation from the script, parental notification, the possible involvement of the Lower Gwenpain police department, and a NOTICE of this disciplinary action on the offender's TRANSCRIPT, effectively blacklisting the offender from any CONSERVATIVE THEATRICAL TROUPE he or she may wish to enter. Since the chance of the offender wishing to join such a troupe is approximately one in 3.14159 x 1042, the REMOVAL OF HIS OR HER VOCAL CORDS will be considered as an alternate disciplinary action. Any questions or concerns of the parents of the offender may be handled through form 3103C, conveniently available at the main office on Wednesdays from 2:00 to 2:30 in the afternoon.

         In a related matter, there have been rumors of an electronic "independent thought alarm" system being in place in our school. This rumor seems to stem from an episode of The Simpsons. Let us assure you that these rumors are false. What little censoring of independent thoughts that is done here is done through collaboration between faculty members. No such electronic system exists. As a part of our Technology Plan, however, we will be upgrading to a new, computerized alarm that will include differently colored buttons for each degree of independence, ranging from "freshman foolishness" to "un-popular political position" to "obnoxious cheering section." It will also support E-mail, AOL, have a speed of 57600 bps, and include an optional electronic back scratcher. The new system should be operational in 3 to 36 months, give or take a few decades. ANY ATTEMPT TO TAMPER WITH THE NEW INDEPENDENT THOUGHT ALARM SYSTEM WILL BE PUNISHED AS AN INDEPENDENT THOUGHT. The definition of and punishments for an independent thought are listed in paragraph IIA lines 3-18 in the Invisible Ink section of the student manual. You may contact any one of the principals with questions or comments regarding this notice, but we would appreciate it if no political analysts or translators were used to interpret our answers, as, contrary to rumor, they are, in the majority of cases, spoken in common English.

Mike McLaughlin is an avid fan of flea circuses. He enjoys scuba diving and spelunking as well as looking up ladies' dresses and playing with his model rocket collection. He lives a solitary life, locked in a small, metal box in the hinterlands of Tibet.

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