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09-16-98
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06-30-98
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Dear Dr. Duh, I was recently bitten by a snake. Since I didn't have a snakebite kit on hand, I amputated my leg with my pocketknife to be safe. As it turned out, the anaconda that bit me was devoid of venom and completely benign. At the present moment, I am a bit embarassed by my rash action. It is hard for me to explain the loss of my leg without sounding like a complete idiot. Please give me a clever story to account for my missing leg. -Bob the one-legged tap dancer Dear Bob, Simple. Whenever anyone asks where your other leg is, say you left it in your other pants. Dear Dr. Duh, One of our co-workers here is on speed. This waiter gives people their drinks immediately after they ask for him, takes their orders in a timely fashion, brings their food after reasonable waits, and gets far too many tips. We are deeply concerned--not for his heath and well being, but rather for his incredible tips and his annoying habit of making us look bad. We want to kill him, but in the process of investigating the murder the government might discover that we only report half our tips to the I.R.S. Help us! -The Staff at Denny's To the Staff at Denny's, I can completely sympathize with those of you who are veteran Denny's employees. It takes years' worth of slacking off and wanton ignorance to build a nation-wide empire founded upon the blatant disregard for other people's basic feelings and requests. Yet you have done it! You are the masters of your own domain! All of you together have made Denny's the sweaty armpit of a food establishment that it is! And this guy -- he wants to come along and wreck it all for everyone! He wants to contaminate your world of chaos with order. That is why you must kill him; it is the only way you can save your empire. However, my friends, I am surprised that you need me to tell you how to dispose of the body. One day, while he is scooping out some ice cream (probably with the actual ice cream scoop, too, that rapscallion!) tell him that's he's won. When he asks what he's won, tell him he gets to be the new secret ingredient! Obviously, you would immediately force-feed him anything nearby that is Denny's food (its putridity will stun him), then, while he is gagging, shove him into the bathroom and lock it. He will die within exactly five minutes. Nothing lasts more than five minutes in the Denny's bathroom; it is just too nasty in there. Then, naturally, you would chop him up and serve bits of him with every meal. Really, I don't understand why you guys couldn't think of this yourselves; it's not like it hasn't happened before. Anyway, I wish you good luck in battling your troublesome co-worker. Long live the empire! Dear Dr. Duh, The newspapers we write for think we're not funny enough to entertain our audiences. They say unless we write more like you, they're going to fire us. If we don't get that money, our kids will starve and we'll have to become prostitutes. What should we do? -Ann Landers and Abby Dear Ann and Abby, Ah, Ann and Abby. My good friends Ann and Abby. Is it just me, or is this letter dripping with irony? YOU SAID I'D NEVER MAKE IT! YOU CALLED ME A DRUNKARD! AN ALCOHOLIC! A WEIRDO! A FREAK!! And I may be all of those things, but guess what! I'm famous now and everyone thinks you're old fogeys! HAh ahh AhAh AHhAhAH HAhAH HAh Ah Ahh AhAhAH Ah AH HA HA hHA HAhHAHAh Ah HAhAHHA! Oh, I love it! Anyway, so you can't write for beans anymore. What are you going to do? You think that prostituting yourselves is the way to go? (No wonder your newspapers are threatening to fire you.) Believe me, that wouldn't work anyway, because you have the fact that you're both two hundred years old working against you. So what's a viable alternative? I'd say try picking up a skill, such as marketing crack, organizing gambling pools, or selling alcohol to minors. However, if such careers changes make you jittery, you also have safer options. Why not try ant farming, training monkeys, or being waitresses at Denny's? All of these are perfectly respectable professions. You know what? I'd say go for the Denny's job. It's so you! You could give people bad food, bad advice, and bad service all at the same time! (I know, there are a few excellent servers, but those are few and far between, and I think you really have what it takes to be mediocre.) If all else fails, come back and talk to me. I could use some assistant writers. After all, you should know as well as I do that it's not easy to juggle an advice column, a crack habit, and multiple money laundering scams all at the same time. Even I, the infallible Dr. Duh can use some extra help sometimes. Just don't try to prostitute yourselves in my office. No dances either. Not even a little wiggle. I don't want to see that two-hundred-year-old stuff! |
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