"Paranoia" by John O'Hara

par·a·noi·a (pàr´e-noi¹e) noun 1. A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution or grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason. 2. Extreme, irrational distrust of others. [Greek, madness, from paranoos, demented : para-, beyond. See PARA-1 + nous, noos, mind.]

Is that what paranoia is? Is that what you think? Do you honestly believe that that is the definition of paranoia? Man, you are wrong, you are soooo wrong man. Wait, I bet you just marked "soooo" as grammatically incorrect. You did didn't you! I knew you didn't like me. You're probably one of THEM, aren't you? I knew it. You're one of THEM. Why don't you stop hating me and grading my theme so harshly? Why are you all against me? First paranoid people aren't people who think everyone is out to get them, they are the people that THEY have selected to make their blissful lives calamitous. I mean, just because you say I'm paranoid doesn't mean your not out to get me, it just means that I have caught on to your twisted little plan to foul up my life in every possible way. Why do you people do this? What is wrong with you? I mean, I've forgotten about the alien body I found in the desert last May, so why can't you. I'm not going to tell anyone, I swear. Why can't you just leave me alone? Look, I'm sorry I fouled up your plans for world domination and all, but I didn't do it on purpose. I mean, I was just strolling along in the desert in my camouflage gear and trying out my new Alien-Detect-O kit when it started going off. Naturally, I'm going to dig. What, did you expect me to mosey on back to town without doing anything? So I started to dig, and lo and behold I found your alien skeleton in that cardboard box marked "In Memory of Fluffy." Why did you kill the alien? What did it ever do to you? And why did you name him Fluffy? Then when I got back to town and started to show your little secret to everyone, you paid them to laugh at me. Then, when I wasn't looking, you switched the body with a dog's. A dog! How could you be so mean? Then you had your friend Doctor Marvin tell me I didn't take my medication that morning. I took my medication, didn't I? You probably switched it with a placebo while I was sleeping the night before. Why did you go to all that trouble just to laugh at me? Are you really that maniacal? Then you had me sent away to that mental hospital. That just wasn't nice. You had me put in that room. That dirty filthy room. (Yes I know that is not a sentence. Why must you hate me?) It was so dirty that I had to wash my hands every five minutes. It was so dirty. Why did you do that to me? All that dirt, dirt was everywhere. And the germs, the germs, the vile disgusting germs were all around me. It was all I could do to escape from there. Then you put that report on the news that I was a maniac on the loose, and that I killed a guard. I never killed the guard, that was you. Why must you pin all your actions on me? After all, I don't know why I am bothering to hand in my theme. I know you are reading it as I write it. Why can't you just grade it through your binoculars? I'll bet it was your fault that my computer crashed last week too. Don't try and use this against me in court, I'm going to delete it as soon as I am done writing it. Why can't you just leave me alone?

b i o g r a p h y

Watch out for John O'Hara and his dodecahedrons of doom!!

A Poem by Joseph Boyle

Wimpie the Magical Cloud