Interview with Professor Bug


	Swing Machine: Hello! Here we are today to converse with the world-famous inventor, Professor Bug. The Professor is here today to talk about his most recent invention, "The Thing Fitter." So, Professor, what can--
	Professor Bug: <interrupting> No, no, no, you ninny! Its correct name is "The Famous Thing Fitter!"
	SM: Right, "The Famous Thing Fitter." My apologies, Professor.
	Bug: Save your apologies! You get an 'F' for this interview!!
	SM: Heh, that’s pretty funny, Professor.
	Bug: <appalled> You think I’m joking?!!!
	SM: Er, no, I don’t think you’re joking. … Are you?
	Bug: Honestly!! I have no patience for you people! No patience whatsoever! Hurry up! Let’s just finish this interview!
	SM: <nervous> Okay! So, Professor, can you tell us a little bit about "The Famous Thing Fitter?"
	Bug: I can tell you that a ninny like you could never invent it!
	SM: Right… well… can you tell us a little bit more?
	Bug: About my invention or about what a ninny you are? I’d gladly talk about either.
	SM: About your invention, please.
	Bug: Certainly. Say you are going on a trip to Aunt Martha's house. It's her birthday. Say you are packing a suitcase. The suitcase is full. Say you have Aunt Martha’s Birthday cake, which you want to put into the suitcase. It is very important that you get the birthday cake into the suitcase, or else she won't have a birthday cake on her birthday. So what do you do? You use the principles of General Relativity!
	SM: I thought General Relativity was a hoax.
	Bug: You thought that because you are a ninny! Anyway, the Theory of General Relativity implies that objects contract in size as their velocities approach the speed of light. Or, in terms that ninnies can understand, big things get smaller when they go really, really fast. So what we want to do with Aunt Martha’s birthday cake is to give it a great relative velocity, one that approaches the speed of light. This will shrink the cake to a very tiny size just long enough to squeeze it into the suitcase. And how do we do that?
	SM: Eat it?
	Bug: No, we use The Famous Thing Fitter!!
	SM: That was going to be my third guess.
	Bug: (wheeling out a large contraption) Behold my new invention! Marvel at its elegance and revel in its awesome power!
	SM: Is it just me or does your invention look like a cannon?
	Bug: Not just any cannon, my friend!
	SM: Right, it looks like you stole that cannon from Valley Forge Historical Park in Pennsylvania, the place where George Washington and his troops took refuge in the cruel winter of 1774, during the Revolutionary War. I did a report on this in sixth grade.
	Bug: Your stupidity bores me, ninny! Now, on with the demonstration! (prepares the cannon)
	SM: You’re going to shoot the birthday cake at the suitcase?
	Bug: Precisely!
	SM: Not in here, you’re not.
	Bug: Fool! Would you dare impede Science with your hinny-ninny ways of thinking?
	SM: I may be a ninny, but I know Science when I see it, and blasting my house apart with some two-hundred-year-old cannon you stole from a park is NOT Science!
	Bug: ARGH!!!! Ninnies! I am surrounded by ninnies!
	SM: Fine, fine... calm down, Professor, I’ll let you try it. But I hope you know what you’re doing.
	Bug: Of course I know what I’m doing; I’m the famous Professor Bug! Now, we just load The Famous Thing Fitter with the desired object, aim it at the suitcase, and… <<<BLAMMO!!!>>>
	SM: You just tore a hole through my wall.
	Bug: A minor technicality. Allow me to reconfigure my calculations.
	SM: C'mon! This is my bedroom! I have to sleep here tonight!
	Bug: Hm, what else can we try to fit into the suitcase? Ah! This piggy bank will do nicely.
	SM: That’s my life savings!
	Bug: <<<BLAMMO!!!>>> Sorry about that. Well, two holes are better than one.
	SM: Okay, stop it right now. This interview is OVER.
	Bug: Just one more shot, old sport! Here goes your teddy bear!
	SM: NO, NOT MARVIN!!
	Bug: <<<BLAMMO!!!>>> Oh well, Marvin was stupid name for a teddy bear, anyway.
	SM: You’re ruining my life!!
	Bug: Cheer up, lad, it’s all in the name of Science!
	SM: I can’t believe this.
	Bug: Hey there, if you volunteer to be shot out of the cannon, you can get an 'A' for this interview!
	SM: No way!! Somebody help me!!! (runs away) (The house is demolished, and the Professor continues to nonchalantly shoot things into the air where they sail off into the distance and become specks in the sky.)
	Police man 1: Hey there! Stop shooting that thing!
	Bug: Don't tell me what to do, you ninny! You get an 'F' for talking back! <<<BLAMMO!!!>>> (he shoots the police man.)
	Police man 2: You just shot my partner!!
	Bug: That ninny was your partner? Then your whole group gets an 'F!' <<<BLAMMO!!!>>> That'll teach you to work on those group skills!
	The Entire NYPD: Give it up, Bug. We're taking you in.
	Bug: The only thing you're taking in here is a big fat 'F!' <<<BLAMMO!!!>>> Heh, I just gave the NYPD an 'F.'
	The SWAT team!: (through a megaphone) PROFESSOR, STEP AWAY FROM THE WEAPON OR PREPARE HAVE YOUR HEAD BLOWN UP!
	Bug: You ninnies! What poor grammar! Never end a sentence with a preposition! You all get F's! F's!! F's!!! I'm surrounded by ninnies!!! <<<SUPER DOUBLE BLAMMO!!!>>>
	Bug: Tee hee! No more ninnies.

	`b i o g r a p h y`
	The brilliant, the arrogant, the bellicose, the insane, the homicidal Professor Bug. Where would we be without him? On second though, don't answer that question!

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