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Dr. Duh, I'm an employee at Denny's and I try my very best there. I think everybody should try their hardest at any job they do. A pleased customer is the best reward. Last week several fellow employees tried to feed my some of the food and I think they were going to put me in the bathroom! (I saw someone ready to open the door.) I, thankfully, resisted them and didn't eat any of the food. I have an awful feeling they don't like me. What did I do? What can I do so they like me? I want to be their friends. Goody T. Shoe a.k.a. adam koch Get out of there, Adam! They are out to get you! They are all double agents from Perkins. The Perkins employees have infiltrated Denny's across the nation. As soon as they've eliminated every single good Denny's employee (they're very close now, as you can tell) they're all going to quit and walk back across the street to Perkins -- Denny's long-time arch-rival -- thereby leaving Denny's as weak and impotent as the average Wendy's. Dear Doctor Duh, For the longest time my life sucked. During this time of sucking, I surrounded myself with a group of people whose lives also sucked. I guess this was to make my life not seem so bad, or something. We would all hang out in online chats for many hours every night complaining to each other about how much life sucked, and we all gained from it. Recently however, something has changed. In the last 6 months, my life has really stopped sucking. In fact, I believe my life now rocks. In stark contrast, my friends's lives seem to suck even more, although I admit this all is relative. They refuse to stop complaining about how much life sucks now. They ask for advice, and then refute the advice, insisting that life sucks too bad for whatever suggestion to work. I would really like to help them stop all this. It really makes me feel bad that my life has improved while theirs have gotten worse. How can I make these idiots shut up so I can concentrate on rocking? -Suck Stopper This sounds like a delicate situation. I suppose what you have to do is wait until you are in a conversation with them in which they are complaining about how much their lives "suck," as you put it. Then you must start shouting "FUN!" in the biggest letters you can type. Do this in five minute intervals. Persist in this activity unrelentingly until they give up and actually start to have fun. I received this idea from an online acquaintance, who ironically happens to be one of the people you're talking about. Okay I won't beat around the bush anymore, it's Chuck. We all know Chuck. Chuck, that was a pretty funny idea you had! Let's all give Chuck a hand. Yay, Chuck! Dear Dr. Duh, I'm having a crisis due to the limited scope of the human perception of the universe. You see, I think the universe sucks, but whenever I tell anyone this, they say that I only think that because I suck. How can I possibly tell which one sucks, me or the universe? Dear Person Who Thinks the Universe Sucks, FUN!!! FUN!!! FUN!!! Dear Dr. Duh, Ok, thanks, it's all clear now. You're the one that sucks. Dear Dr. Duh, isn't it annoying when I hold down the r key, like this, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......oops rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, oh no its another rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Yeh! Mr. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, sexual depravation has the potential to become very serious, and you obviously have a very acute case. Your lack of getting any leads to frustration, and that unused sexual energy is being channeled through destructive and unproductive activities, such as sending me e-mails with obscene amounts of r's in them. But why the letter 'r,' I had to ask myself? It must be linked to some subconscious thought that is trying to surface itself, but you will only let the tip of it touch the surface. I came to the natural conclusion that the letter 'r' is representing the word 'rutabaga.' You once had a sexual encounter with a rutabaga when you were 18 years old (since 'r' is the eighteenth letter of the alphabet), and that memory has been suppressed ever since. Mr. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you need to come to terms with the fact that the only way you can get any is by doing it with a rutabaga. Let's celebrate the rutabaga, shall we? Rutebagas for all! Dear Dr. Duh, I live with Tony. Help! Signed, Potatophobic My friend, I can feel the desperation in your words. You have 2 options. You can a) make him leave. A good way to do this would be to drive him out. Tony notoriously hates people. Find fifty of the people Tony finds most annoying but that you can tolerate, and invite them all to crash at your place for a week or two. Within a day, Tony and all his stuff will be out of there, guaranteed. Secondly, there's option b), in which you run away from home. But listen to me boy, because if you run away, you have to do it right. Don't run away and join the circus. It's a well-known fact that the circus smells. Smells like elephants. Damn smelly elephants! Why do they have to ruin it for everybody? You know, if I ever start a circus, I'm going to call it the No Elephant Circus, cause there'd be NO ELEPHANTS ALLOWED! Yeah! That'll show those damned smelly elephants! But we would have giraffes. Giraffes would be allowed, but no elephants. Zebras could come too. But no monkeys. No Monkeys and Elephants Circus. That's what we'd call it. It'd be a paradise. So what do you say, Mr. P? Want to come run away and join my circus? Free peanuts for everybody! I Hate Elephants and Monkeys!! |
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