All About the Earth

artwork also by Mike McLaughlin

You probably already know a lot about the Earth. After all, chances are you live on it (and a big hello to all you crazy alien hackers who don't), or have at least woken up there one day after a party without remembering how you got there. Yep, you, Mr. Smarty Pants, think you know everything there is to know about this silly little planet, but I bet there's a whole lot of stuff about the Earth you don't know, like for example:

A total solar eclipse, where the Moon completely blocks out the Sun due to the periodic alignment of the three bodies, is a sign that the gods are angry.

If the Earth were hollowed out, more than 37 alligators would fit inside

The Earth is held in orbit of the sun by the string of gravity like a yo-yo:

75% of the Earth is covered with water. Another 10% is covered with chain stores, in both mall and shopping center form. A whopping 25% of the Earth is covered with parking lots for those chain stores. The remaining 5.3% is covered in Heavy Duty Exterior Latex Paint from Sears.

If you weigh 100 pounds, you'd weigh about 45 kilograms on the Earth

In 1992, Denny's Restaurants were successful in creating an exact scale replica of the Earth, accurate down to the 99% petroleum-derived rubber content of the Earth's crust and the ability of the Earth to bounce off walls.

The Earth has been around for over 4.5 billion years, yet scientists have reasons to believe that it may not be around much longer:

The Earth's atmosphere has a layer known as the "ozone layer" which protects us from the Sun's harmful UV rays and temper tantrums, in which it is likely to kick furniture all over the place. Unfortunately, over the last three months the ozone layer has been depleted, because it is valued by humanity for its adhesive qualities. Scientists believe that it is unraveled partway, cut or torn, and then used to stick things together, make repairs, and construct makeshift structures out of PVC piping. When asked who was responsible for these heinous crimes against the environment, Professor Arnold Croddenderry, the leading authority on the subject, said, with conviction, "those darn kids!" The Earth is already feeling the effects of ozone unraveling, with the melting of Antartica causing a devastating ecological chain reaction whose effects we may not fully know for years. Already, penguin refugees are overflowing into nations across the globe, secretly turning down our thermostats to sub-68 degree temperatures and demanding amnesty, financial restitution, free fish, and a small independent nation on the north coast of Greenland.

But unless something is done soon, the Earth will not last long enough to suffer the full effects of ozone depletion. For longer than Super Chicken can remember, cultists, crazy people, and UFO chasing FBI agents have been predicting the end of the world in the year 2000. It turns out that they may be right. Many have wondered why so many of the things the Earth does are so slow. Continents move at only a few inches per year, and it took billions of years for life to evolve to its current level of complexity, well behind the seven day schedule in the project specs. Just this last year, the revolutionary work of Smithinskyson, et al. has revealed the cause of this sluggishness- the entire planet Earth is running on a 486SX processor! This, of course, poses a problem when the year 2000 comes along. Y2K Problem analysts have been unable to convince the planet Earth to upgrade from its primordial early '90s computer system. They have tried telling the Earth about the grave danger posed by the programming glitch, and about the superior speed and reliability of newer systems, but the Earth refuses to upgrade, saying that, "The DOS - Windows 3.1 combination is the pinnacle of personal computer operating system design," "It's worked fine so far," and, "The last time I upgraded, the system was down for two weeks before I could get it working. Then it was months before I could figure out how to make it stop raining squid in Texas."

And that's all you need to know about the Earth.

b i o g r a p h y

Mike McLaughlin is still bitter because he didn't get the email asking for biographies for the first issue of the Swing Machine, and got stuck with the cruddy "default" bio about being locked in a metal box in Tibet or wearing dresses or something. He has told reporters that he has already plotted his revenge and will carry out his fiendish plot "as soon as I get out of this damn metal box."

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