WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT
WE CANNOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WORDS OF THOSE WHO WRITE TO US, AND THE FOLLOWING SECTION CONTAINS LANGUAGE THAT MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR SOME AUDIENCES. IF YOU ARE A LITTLE KID, BEAT IT. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY PROFANITY AND OBSCENITY, BEAT IT. OTHERWISE, FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT WE HAVE REPRINTED VERBATIM A CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN A READER OF THE SWING MACHINE AND ONE OF ITS WRITERS.
Staff writer Tony Lastowka recently received an e-mail about one of his past articles of satire, "Resist the 'Shroom," which appeared in issue #3. The author of the e-mail has identified himself only as "Godsflaw." He and Tony subsequently carried on a correspondence of sorts, which is reproduced here, after Tony's message to the reader.
Dear Readers,
What follows really happened, in real life. Resist the Shroom wasn't even a good article. The only reason I wrote it in the first place was because Sean wanted an article to balance Jasmine's article about her fungal adventures. I wrote it in about 5 minutes as a complete ramble at 3 in the morning.
I'm not really sure exactly what was going through my mind when this thread occurred, all I know is that it became quite entertaining for me. When this guy first wrote to me, I assumed that he had just found this old article I wrote 3 years ago in a search, and didn't realize that it was a joke. I decided at first that I would try to reason with him. I guess I hoped that him and I could actually reach an understanding. Boy was I wrong.
After his second email, I decided he was nothing more than a raving lunatic. In the past, when I get emails like this, I have usually just deleted them and permanently filtered the email address it came from, but I was pretty bored that week so I decided to have some fun with the guy. I was never taking him seriously.
I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I want it to be clear (because it apparently wasn't when I wrote Resist the Shroom) that things I write shouldn't be taken seriously. More than that, I think if people in this world would take a little more time to think about what they've just read, heard or experienced, before they overreact and fire off an unintelligible, misinformed rant or a large cruise missile, that this world would be a better place for all of us.
Regards,
Tony Lastowka
| G o d s f l a w |
You phucking idiots, mushrooms are the key to the mind,
especially hallucinogenic mushrooms, they are the only way to the subconcious.
And it is pretty damn hard to get a hallucinogenic, nearly impossible by mistake,
they are tropical, whish means they can only grow in vary humid places. And a
kid would never be riding a bicycle unless he were an ultimate idiot, you couldn't
even percieve what a bike is and remember how to ride it, much less actually go
somewhere. and u know there is something wrong when you can't see clearly because
your pupils are 3 times the size as normal, so don't cuss things that you haven't
even phucking tried. you kind of people make me wanna kill you, closed minds and
trying to bias other peoples opinions, go ohucking get a life and try some shrooms
to go on a spiritual journey, mushrooms are a fungus but not a bad one you fudgepackin
queers! -- |
| T o n y |
Dear Flaw, I am concerned by your recent, explosive remarks. Did you even bother to check the context of what you were comenting on? Did you even READ what you were commenting on? Perhaps the hallucinogens clouded your mind so much you were unable to understand what was going on? I assume that this email you sent me out of the blue was a response to my article of SATIRE entitled "Resist the 'Shroom" in issue 3 of The Electric Big Bang Swing Machine(www.swingmachine.org). Had you spent 5 minutes trying to figure out what was going on before barraging me with profanity and homphobic insults, you would have realized that you were reading an ezine self described as "an ezine about absolutley nothing." To be crystal clear, what you were reading was no more serious than a Saturday morning cartoon, and it was readily apparent. It seems that you couldn't possibly have actually read the article, or you would have noticed it was a several paragraph article bashing the entire kingdom of fungi. It had a companion article entitled "Mushrooms are Goooooood." It should be clear to even the most mentally challenged of the species that this was not a serious attack on hallucinogenic mushrooms, as you seem to believe, but rather a mockery of the "point-counterpoint" articles that "legitimate" news magazines run all the time. The sheer absurdity of the statements being made in the article is more than enough to tip off the above average gorilla. I am not a person with a "closed mind trying to bias other peoples opinions." Quite to the contray, I am a avid supporter of people's right to do what they want with their own minds and bodies. I am a supporter of both the American Civil Liberties Union and The National Organiztion for the Reform of Marajuana Laws. I own and enjoy many writings by Timothy Leary. If either of us is closed minded, I'm afraid it would have to be you. Lets examine your "letter." In the course of it you: 1) Attribute opinions to me that are anethma to my true beliefs, based on your own paranoid stereotypes. 2) Repeatedly insult me for holding those opinions I don't hold. 3) Threaten to kill me because you believe I disagree with you. 4) Threaten to kill people who hold beliefs you find objectionable. 5) Liberally flavor your choice comments with a large helping of homophobic insults. It seems clear to me that it is you, not me who needs to expand their mind. I'd be happy to discuss many topics with you, if you would be so kind as to follow a few general rules of courtesy and grammar. Specifically, I'd prefer if the death threats stopped, and it would be nice if you at least /tried/ to organize your discourse in a logical manner. I recommend paragraphs, as they are well received around the world as a standard way of doing such things. As a final word of advice, before you get all worked up over nothing, and offend people who are in truth your allies, I would recommend you take a few minutes when you are about to shoot your mouth off to think about what you are truly dealing with. Best Regards, Tony Lastowka |
| G o d s f l a w |
let me tell you something you no good mother fucker you
want me to stop swearing FUCK YOU first of all i dont know how much fucking time
you got on yur hands writing a fucking page you want me to respect your opinion
well you know what i have to say abou that hmmm FUCK YOU i would never make a
web page first of all and i hate fudgepackers like you let me give you a few reasons
why your the biggest queer alive 1)you dont like swearing 2)you dont like shrooms 3)your a queer 4)fuck you you cock sucking mother fucking son of a bitch if i ever got a hold of you i will make you not be able to tell the difference between your clit and your face FUCK YOU, GODSFLAW |
| T o n y |
To my good buddy Flaw, Thank you for your most recent letter. I found many of the observations you made quite enlightening! I have some questions about some of the things you said however, and would appreciate it if you would reply at your earliest convience. I am always eager to learn about new people! 1) Why is it that you would never make a webpage? Is it because you don't like them, or you don't know how? I would be happy to provide you with some basic instructions if you would like. 2) How is is that you came to the conclusion that I am a "queer?" I always assumed that if gay, I would probably notice, but up to this point I haven't. Clearly you have some method of determining such things, and I cherish the chance to learn new skills! 3) When you say clit, do you mean clitoris? I was not aware that men had them. Additionally, I fail to understand how a person could be both a "fudgepacker(which to the best of my knowledge requires male genetalia)" and at the same time be endowed with a clitoris, which is generally only found conceled within the lips of the vagina, female genetalia. Please elaborate on the meaning of the word clit, as I know no others. Please write back soon, as I so treasure these conversations we have! -Tony Lastowka |
| G o d s f l a w |
dear pussy why the fuck are you so godamn annoying i dont make a webpage cause i got alife and i have better thinhgs to do i know what your gonna do now your gonna say correct your spelling i can spell but i dont feel like going back and changing ityour web page doesnt male any sense your dissing shrooms and then at the bottom it says shrooms are gooood ???????? what the fuck can i ask you a question that you dont have to answer how old aare you godsflaw -- |
| T o n y |
Ahh Flaw! I was worried you had forgotten about me! I don't understand what you mean when you call me annoying. Could you elaborate? I am just trying to make good friiends with you. The reason the page says "shrooms are goooood" at the bottom of the page is because it's a link to another aritcle written by another person, talking about how much she loves to put mushrooms on her pizza. Perhaps you could click on it and see. You still don't seem to understand that the whole thing is a work of satire. That means that I'm not being serious when I write it, but rather making absurd statements, in an attempt to point out their absurdity. It's a type of sarcasm. Have you ever read "A Modest Proposal" by Johnathan Swift? If you haven't, I heartily recommend it, as it is a jolly good piece o' writing. In answer to your other question, I am 20 years old. How old are you? When is your birthday? Do you have a digital picture of yourself to share? I would be most interested. Write back soon! Your Friend! Tony Lastowka |
| G o d s f l a w |
fuckin peckerhead, cocksucking son of a bitch! You must
be a fuckin pediphile to ask me for a pic of me! Go suck a hairy cock, and for
what I mean about the annoying thing, is that your a pussy who sits on his computer
all fuckin day, wastin his time arguing with kids about how u think mushrooms
are bad because they are a fungus is the schedule of a lifeless incompetent bag
of shit from a ratz ass! You are a bitch what the hell is wrong with you? fuck I am fed up with providing you pointless explanations for what I say, it would be a change for you to get a real llife and a real job, since you are such a fucking fudgepacking idiot son of a fucking queer in hell! GodsFlaw -- |
| T o n y |
Dear flaw, Your last letter was so incomprehensible, I can barely figure out what you were saying. I did catch the accusation of pedophile, and since I have absolutley no idea how old you are, I think it's a safe bet that my intentions were not of that nature. To me, you are just another faceless citizen of the internet. You could be 10 years old, or you could be 90. I have no way of knowing unless you tell me. My actual intention, since you seem to be interested, was to further encourage this odd sense of rage that you have towards me. I find it quite funny, actually. When someone is so far removed from reality such as yourself that they lose all ability to comprehend what is going on, I make it my policy to toy with them, leading them on, hoping that they will act more and more insane. Their replies provide a great deal of entertainment for myself, and my friends. I am happy to report that you have not been a dissapointment. Additionally, I haven't been arguing with you. I started by trying to explain my position, since it was clear you misunderstood what was going on. This explanation has repeadedly fallen on deaf ears, which leads me to believe that you must be a complete moron. Thats fine with me. If I was arguing with you, I would have told you that you were wrong, and I think a quick look over my previous letters will confirm that I have only been clarifying my position, and have never told you that your position was wrong I don't expect you to take anything that I have said under advisement if you choose to write back again. In fact, I am begining to doubt that you know how to read above the third grade level, as your complete lack of understanding of anything I've ever sent you leads me to believe that you don't actually ever read or think, but rather you just string together large words that you hear while watching pornography and listening to gansta rap. Your dialect certainly indicates that you either learned much of your language from these sources, or you grew up in a highly disfunctional enviroment. If this is the case, I truly feel pity for you and hope that someday you will recover. Feel free to reply if you wish. If you want, I can send you some links I think you might find useful, such as a dictionary, information on free psychiatric counseling, and perhaps most importantly, contraception, in hopes that you never reproduce. Have a nice day! Tony Lastowka |
| G o d s f l a w |
listen your saying i grew up in a bad neighbourhood are
you dissing the hood just cause you never lived in the ghetto doesnt mean you
can diss it. its not called gangsta rap you call it thaty again ill pop a cap
in your ASS whiteboy i aint rascist i only hate people like you you wanna know
how old i am im 17 anyway tell your mom its happening tonight at 8 so tell her to stretch it wide and jiggle it so all i have to say to u is fuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck you fuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck you you fudge packing queer\ beware of the godsflaw -- |
Epilogue: At this point I stopped replying to the guy. I wasn't really having fun with it anymore, and he clearly was never going to change his attitude. Oh well.
