If you have ever had people create embarrassing situations by walking into a room on you without knocking, or if you have ever created one of these situations yourself, then you will appreciate this Swing Machine exclusive, "How Doors Work!" You may find it useful to have printed out and displayed prominently on your door, so as to clear up any ambiguity about knocking etiquette with all your visitors! Now we present... Lesson One: "The Knock"          Welcome to the exciting world of knocking! Many times in your life you will come upon a closed door. Knowing how to knock is critical to ensure a satisfying door opening experience for all involved. If you follow these simple instructions, all your door endeavors will be guaranteed crowd pleasers! Step 1: Upon discovering the closed door, lightly knock your hand on the door. Then wait several moments. If you do not receive a response, knock a second time, in a more powerful fashion. It is recommended that you vary the stregnth of the knock in relation to other local noises. Step 2: Wait for a response. Step 3: React accordingly. This is the trickiest step, as it can vary from one door experience to another. Here are some suggestions of sound actions for likely situations. Situation 1: No response Repeat steps 1 and 2. If several attempts don't produce a response, we recommend you try knocking again later. The room is likely unoccupied or the occupant(s) are sleeping. Situation 2: A response such as "Yes?" or "Who is it?" Identify yourself and your reason for calling. Be careful not to jump the gun and open the door wide open. This is a big no- no that many people new to knocking make! Très gauche! Make sure you wait for permission Situation 3: A response such as "One moment!" or "Be right there!" Respond with a statement such as "OK." The occupants of the room are about to open the door for you. Be patient and wait for them to open it. Patience is a virtue you know! If you haven't identified yourself yet, this is a splendid chance! Situation 4: A response such as "I'm asleep!" or "This is a really bad time!" This requires sound judgment. If your buissness is critical (Examples: House on fire. Occupants needed to perform CPR), then state this and wait for another response. It is acceptable to use a raised tone of voice for this, but screaming orders is frowned upon. If your reason for knocking is of a more benign nature (Examples: cannot find telephone / need help hooking up a TV / need ride to supermarket) then the proper response is to leave the occupant alone at this point. You are welcome to inquire again after a reasonable period of time (1 hour if occupant is not sleeping and doesn't say otherwise, several hours in other cases.) Situation 5: A response such as "Come in!" or "It's open!" This is an invitation to open the door. Do so, and do it joyously.          Congratulations, you are now certified to knock on doors.          If you enjoyed this lesson, then you'll love our other instructional posters such as. "Greeting vs. Grouching: All the Difference In the World," "Getting It the First Time: The Fine Art of Not Asking the Same Thing Over and Over Until the Person You Are Asking Snaps," and "How to Act If You Don't Want People To Avoid You and Call You a Jerk Behind Your Back." b i o g r a p h y Tony Lastowka is one crazy Mofo. Watch where you go and don't get in his way, yo. No. Wait, that's stupid. Tony Lastowka likes cheese.

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