"Pick-up Lines That Didn't Quite Make It" by Swifty and Neil

For a list of normal pick-up lines (which makes
these make more sense), try this link.

"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can beat you with a club."

"If I could rewrite the alphabet, a lot of people would be confused."

"Let me check the tag on your shirt to see how to clean it."

"Is your father a thief? I think I raped him in prison."

"Hey baby, it's my birthday. You're the cake and I'm the candles. BLOW ME!"

"I seem to have misplaced my phone number. can we switch houses?"

"Someone call heaven quick! You killin me! I'm gonna die!"

"You might not be the best-looking-girl here, but neither am I."

"If you were a new hamburger at Mc Donalds, you would be eaten by millions."

"Let's play house. I'll replace your rotten, wooden siding with Vinyl Siding from Sears."

"Your body's name must be Visa, cause DAMN! You're expensive!"

"Are you Windex? 'Cause you taste bad."

"Your legs must be tired, because you've been stretched on the rack all night!"

"Hey babe, can you suck start a Harley? Well, then do you have jumper cables?"

"My name isn't Elmo, but I do have red fur."

"Do you work for UPS? Then why the hell you goin through my mail!"

"I'd marry your cat for some food! I'm so very hungry!"

"Can I Borrow a quarter? I almost beat contra!"

"I'm sorry, were you talking to me? You talkin to ME? Well I don't see anyone else here, so you MUST be talking to me."

"Do you know that your hair and my pillow will burst into flame upon contact?"

"Hi. My name is milk. Can I be your mustache?"

"If you and I were squirrels, and I was rabid, and you weren't, would you kill me swiftly out of mercy, or let me suffer?"

"Your daddy must be a baker cause these are some good cookies!"

"You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square? It's not? You're a math nerd!"

"You're like a dictionary. I can open you to find words I don't know, their meanings and synonyms, all arranged alphabetically."

"Is your name PEPSI? That's a pretty silly name!"

"Is your name Daisy? Then I'm gonna drive you to the store. There ain't no 'but's about it, Ms. Daisy. To the store."

"Nice shoes. They're untied."

"Are you busy tonight at 3 a.m.? Wanna make a Wawa run?" (Go Philly!)

"I didn't know that angels could fly so low... one just crashed into that building over there!"

"What's a nice girl like you doing sacrificing goats?"

"Where have you been all my life? Fresno?"

"Is your father an alien? He might have given me an Anal Probe."

"Your daddy must be a hunter 'cause I just saw him gut a deer."

"Say you remind me of a pop tart, because you're flat, wide, flaky and when I bite into you, there's this delicous gooey jelly stuff."

"If beauty were sunlight it would take eight years to get here from Alpha Centauri."

"Do you know Karate? In that case, give me your wallet."

"You remind me of a magnet 'cause you're so bi-polar."

"Damn! someone needs to write explosive on you, 'cause you're a big block of C-4."

"Your lips look so lonely. Perhaps you should buy some fake lips."

"That's a great outfit! It'd look better on someone with a good body."

"I am on fire. Can you please, please get a fire extinguisher? I am burning very badly."

"If belly buttons were a status symbol... would the outies be persecuted?"

"Someone vacuum my lap, I've been eating ritz crackers for days, and I can't stand up!"

"Hey baby, you must be a light switch, because every time I flick you, the lights go on."

"Baby, I hope you know CPR, 'cause I'm choking!"

"I know milk does a body good, but baby, you a cow!"

"Was your father a mechanic? Then why you so greasy?"

"Was your father a farmer? Oh, he told me he was. That lying bastard!"

"Were you arrested earlier? I thought I saw you in prison."

"Were your parents greek gods? Because they're throwing lightning at you!"

"Girl, If I were a fly, I'd have a life-span of one week."

"Are you a parking ticket? Then what are you doing under my windshield wiper?"

"You look like a glass of cool, refreshing water, but you're actually a glass of hideously toxic piperdine."

"Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're giving me gas."

	`b i o g r a p h y`
	Justin Swift and Neil Chatterjee have tried a couple of these lines themselves and usually people are too confused to slap them. They wrote this at 4 a.m. on a weeknight, for whatever reason.

Connect the Dots

Political Dressup