People often ask me "If you made movies, what would they be about?" Well, no, you're right, no one has ever asked me that, but imagine how cool it would be if they did! At least I got you wondering what kind of movies we would make! No? Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway! BWAHAHA!
The Nibblers: This would be a horror flick. Picture the Critters, but much smaller. They wouldn't bite so much as nibble. Sure, it doesn't sound threatening yet, but what if I told you they could spit poison foam, turn into guns, and explode while simultaneously exuding a purple discharge that eats the varnish off even the finest of wood furniture! Then would they be more threatening? The answer is yes, they would, but don't worry, they don't do any of that stuff, there are just a whole lot of them. Oh yeah, and Carrot Top is in there somewhere too.
Wishbone's Low Budget Feature Length Adventure: Basically, it would be very similar to the hit PBS show, except instead of a dog dressed like a British soldier or an English Beggar acting out scenes from the likes of Dickens and Stevenson we'd just put my cat in a poncho and chase him with a rake.
Of Faith and Fire - A Shocking True Story: Ever wonder how many kindergartners can fit in the trunk of a '61 Chevy Impala?
Titanic II: Don't let the name fool you. It's actually just a drunken monkey in a cowboy outfit fighting his own reflection for 3 hours.
The Never-ending Story Part Four: Yeah, that's right! Someone has to keep it going. Sure, our version will change the story a little, but that's artistic license. So maybe Falcor isn't supposed to be an ultra smart supermodel whose only flaw is that she's allergic to clothes. And maybe Bastian isn't supposed have Chainsaws for hands and a back-talking dog that knows karate. I mean hey, maybe the original Fantasia wasn't an adult bookstore, but these are all things that we can work around. I am optimistic that this will be the best chapter yet.
The Man Whose Brain Didn't Work Right: This is a movie about a guy whose brain doesn't work right. No one likes him, so NASA sends him into space to do "research". Yeah, "research."
Das Hanter Zein: This would be an artsy German film. It would follow the traditional recipe for German comedy with a few twists and turns. We take a kid of about six years old, tie him up with thick nylon rope, cover him with aluminum foil, then set his house on fire and watch the newest hit comedy come together right before our eyes.
Matt Finley's Aminal-mania: A documentary in which Matt details to us some of his favorite things to see when he's at the zoo including a novelty trash-can and a cloud that "kind of looks like a polar bear if you squint real hard and spin around." It will also include a lesson regarding how to tell if an animal is poisonous. Methods presented include the "poke it with a stick," the "grab it roughly and squeeze," and Matt's patented "lick test."
Why The Hell Did God Make Me So Ugly, Mommy? (previously titled "What's wrong with my face?"): The sad story of a young boy tormented throughout his youth for being uglier than sin itself. But as the boy grows into maturity, it turns out that he wasn't a boy at all, but rather a swan, which would account for why everyone thought he was so damn ugly.
Pumpkinhead Three - Dodecagon of Gore: Remember Titanic II?
