You may have seen him at RobotFrank.com or beating small children in your neighborhood park. You may have heard of him from a friend or noticed his picture on the police station's wanted board. He's Robot Frank, the angry robot. He maintains his own website, where he posts diary entries and photo albums of his crazy robot adventures, most of which somehow end up in someone getting severely maimed. Recently, he even got a comic book deal with Cornerstone Comics. Graciously, he's granted the Swing Machine this interview, and even more graciously put up with our dumb-people questions without beating us like the worthless humans we are.
Interview by Sean McBride
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Robot Frank, why are you so angry? |
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You trying being a robot, tough guy. I'm angry because I have dumb people asking me dumb-people questions all day. I have people telling me what to do and how to act, as if I'm a machine made only to serve their orders. I'm also angry because they canceled most of my favorite shows on the WB network. |
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What's it like being a robot? Does it tickle? |
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You wake up in the morning.. Or boot up I should say... read the paper.. Get a phone call from some dumb person telling you what you did wrong the previous day, and how you have to learn "your negligent actions have consequences." You go out into town and get stares and dirty looks. People wonder why I beat the hell out of them... Stop looking at me, god dammit. Sometimes I'm left with no choice but to set my dial to Beat-Down Mode and if it gets stuck there, that ain't my problem. |
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What are some of the burdens of being a robot? |
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Can't go out in the rain. Not allowed in K-Mart (or at least that's just me, they sent a letter saying so. Last time I was there I knocked over the basketball hoops trying to slam dunk in aisle 14 and it crushed some baby in a stroller. It's not like it died or anything, it'll still be able to walk too). |
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What's your favorite thing to do on a warm summer's day? |
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Answer questions for interviews, like I'm doing right now. Nothing pleases me more than this. For the past 10 minutes I've been having the time of my life, you have no idea. No, I'm kidding... My favorite thing to do is probably stepping on squirrels in the park. I usually like to do it in front of the kids. They get a real kick out of it. And the mothers think its precious. Because it is. Chipmunks are harder to step on, but it's not like they get away or anything... I have a bag full of stepped-on chipmunks. You can have it if you want. I'm feeling generous today. |
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Thanks, Robot Frank! So anyway, if you could have any special power, what would it be? |
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If I had any special power.. it would probably be the super ability to get senior citizen discounts. EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD. |
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How have the recent increases in gas prices affected you? |
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At first I thought I'd be in a real lot of trouble, I wasn't sure where I could come up with an extra twenty-cents a day. Then I remember I was sponsoring a child across seas, so I just cut that. It's good to cut the fat from your expenses every now and then. And those hungry-kid ads are just a scam. I flew over there to visit the child my twenty-cents a day we're helping to keep alive and all the kids over there were wearing suits and driving Saabs. When I found little Rafooki (the kid I was sponsoring) he was on a cell phone calling his broker. |
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Where the heck did you come from anyway? |
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I was built by this company... Mad Scientists and Badguys United Corp. They were building this army of evil robots to take over the world or something like that (I'm not sure, I heard it from Robot Leroy at the factory) but they lost their funding. They then started deprogramming all the robots. While on line for that, I asked if I could use the bathroom. I stepped out the backdoor when the Badguy-Guards weren't looking and ran like the wind into the night. |
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Is there anything you're scared of? |
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Rust-mites. They crawl inside your arms and your head and burrow deep into your gadgets, then lay eggs. It happened to this one guy I know, he had to be thrown into the river. It was a real shame. |
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Cats born with two heads-- what do you think? |
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That's nothing, I once saw a cat with two anuses. It would poop, then poop again. It's something you just gotta see. Wake up the kids, grab the camera, this is entertainment. |
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What's up with Robot Ron? Is he actually that stupid or is he just really dumb? |
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Both. I'm not really sure what Robot Ron's deal is. Some people say he might be a basic prototype model robot with limited capabilities. I think he was just born special. It happens. But don't worry about Ron, he's a happy 'bot. I found him some mannequins behind J.C. Penny, so he's back at his place having a tea party. |
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Tell us about your new comic book gig with Cornerstone Comics. Is it any good? |
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The comic book is composed of diary entries from my fabulous webpage of wonders. It's drawn by this dude named Todd, he's real good. Much better than me, I get frustrated easily. I told him to do a good job on the comic and he said he would. I don't think he was lying, but if he was, it just may be disastrous for our chances of global unity. A lot is at stake. Let's all hope for the best. |
Visit Robot Frank's Life at http://www.robotfrank.com.
