We, being reporters dedicated to revealing what the public demands to know, found a man of great fame and controversy (some random stranger) and cornered him into granting us an interview (he happened to answer a random payphone we called), hammering out a series of hard-hitting questions (they had nothing to do with anything) in an attempt to figure out what makes him tick. Yes, this man was none other than the illustrious Roger (not really, though, since the names have been changed to protect his innocence). Here's the interview. (And yes, this really happened, and it was not planned out.)
| Roger: | Hello? |
| Swing Machine: |
Hello? |
| Roger: | Hello? |
| SM: | Hey, what's happening? |
| Roger: | Eh, not too much. |
| SM: | That's cool. Hey have you ever heard of Michael Jackson? |
| Roger: | Yeah, sure. |
| SM: | Would you consider yourself a fan, probably? |
| Roger: | No. |
| SM: | Oh, really? |
| Roger: | Yeah. Really. |
| SM: | So... like, if Michael Jackson asked you to marry him, would you do it? |
| Roger: | No way! |
| SM: | Seriously? |
| Roger: | Yes. |
| SM: | What if he paid you a million dollars just to hold his hand, would you do it? |
| Roger: | A million bucks? |
| SM: | Yeah, just to hold his hand. |
| Roger: | Only if he washed 'em. |
| SM: | I guess that's fair enough. But what if--what if he paid you like, a million dollars... would you let him pick your nose? |
| Roger: | Hey, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. |
| SM: | So you wouldn't do it. |
| Roger: | Ehhhh.... no. |
| SM: | Well, what if, what if he paid you a million dollars, would you let him keep you in a cage and be his pet monkey and call you Bubbles and take you out and get you to do tricks? |
| Roger: | Uh, no way. |
| SM: | No way?? |
| Roger: | It would take more than that. |
| SM: | A million dollars?? You wouldn't do that for a million dollars?? |
| Roger: | A million bucks? |
| SM: | Yeah. Say it's just for one day though. |
| Roger: | Only if I had the key to the cage. |
| SM: | If you had the key to the-- well that's not fair! I mean, dude, you're gonna get paid a million dollars, you'd better put in an honest day's work! You know, a lot of people would jump at that. |
| Roger: | I don't know. |
| SM: | Can I ask you just one more question? |
| Roger: | Sure. |
| SM: | Okay, if he paid you, all right... a million dollars, would you let him like, put his tongue in your mouth, but not actually touching you, just-- |
| Roger: | No, not at all. |
| SM: | He wouldn't do it, folks. |
| Roger: | Yeah. That's gross. |
| SM: | You're right, that is pretty gross. If you had said yes, I would be scared of you. |
| Roger: | [laughs] |
| SM: | So anyway, this is John, what's your name? |
| Roger: | Steve. |
| SM: | Steve, that's cool. Thanks for answering my questions. I was just wondering how people felt about Michael Jackson. |
| Roger: | All right. |
| SM: | Take it easy, Steve. |
| Roger: | Later. |
