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| Dr. Duh, Please help me. About every six seconds I become blind. It only lasts for a fraction of a second, but it is very scary. I don't know if I can go on. What should I do? -Six-Second Blindness Girl Yes, of course; I am quite familiar with this sickness. It strikes the afflicted with lightning-flash episodes of blackness every few seconds. As a matter of fact, millions of people around the world are affected by it, many without even realizing it. My mailman has it. The entire former cast of "The Facts of Life" has it. Even the President of the United States has it (though I doubt he's aware of it, or much of anything else for that matter). Sadly, there is no known cure for this peculiar phenomenon. The heated debate over whether it is hereditary or acquired still rages on. I should know because I--yes, yours truly--have had this condition ever since I was a child. After years of torturing myself over it and desperately asking God "Why me? Why me???" I've learned to lean on my loved ones, to take new days one at a time, and to find small, meaningful things in life that make it worth living despite this terrible, debilitating disease. To learn more about your condition from a trustworthy source, look up "blinking" in the dictionary. It should be right next to "whatafreakingmoron." |
| Dear Doctor Duh,
Can I have a pony? Listen, kid. I may look like Santa Claus, I may dress like Santa Claus, and I may have even borrowed his underwear once or twenty-seven times. But if you ever tell anyone about that, I'll have some great new fodder to feed my reindeer if you catch my drift. |
| Dear Dr. Duh, I didn't catch your drift. What did you mean back there exactly? Have you found a new premium brand of reindeer food that your reindeer will love, keeping them feeling frisky and their coats shiny too? No, no, no! By fodder I mean "you." As in my reindeer are going to have you for dinner... if you catch my drift! |
| Dear Dr. Duh, Sorry, still not catching it. Are you saying you are going to let me pet your reindeer and become their friend? No! I am going to hack you into tiny pieces and then my reindeer are going to DEVOUR you. You are going to die! Gaa! How clear can I possibly make it? |
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| Dear Dr. Duh,
Ohhhhh.... I think I get it now. Are you implying the notion that PARADOXES are everywhere?? If this is stuff you have to know to take care of a pony, I don't think I can handle it after all. Good, because I'm telling Santa Claus to skip your house forever! |
| Dear Dr. Duh,
Who let the dogs out? Presumably my arch-nemesis, the nefarious Pepsi girl. Just another step in her evil plan to destroy civilization with scaldingly bad pop culture. It will be a victory for all when I introduce her to my reindeer... and by introduce I mean "feed," if you catch my drift! |
| Dear Dr. Duh,
Yeah, I catch your drift. Heh heh, "feed," that's a good one. Why thank you. |
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Archives: 12-20-99, 05-10-99, 09-16-98, 07-11-98, 06-30-98 |
