The football season is drawing to an end. The bleachers once packed with screaming fans and attractive females will soon be occupied by only the wind and an old guy who doesn't know the season is over. Now the thoughts of the athletes turn to cocaine and vigorous spouse beating, whereas the thoughts of yours truly turn to improving football in time for next year.
I have the attention span of over-cooked broccoli. I crave constant action with ten-minute bathroom/Lego breaks every two hours. Football fails to cater to these needs, and thus, a nation suffers. Every commercial break heralds a new flavor of Go-Gurt, each timeout encourages yet another child to succumb to the evils of Powerstone for Sega Dreamcast, and for every second of halftime, a Bosnian dies. The tyranny, carnage, and portable yogurt must end! My solution is as follows:
First, the game should only contain three quarters, and each quarter should only be ten minutes long. This will shorten the game significantly. Because three quarters only makes 75%, shouldn't they be called periods? No. If I'm overly concerned with the "logic" of mathematics, can I call them periods? No. Why? Because that's not what they're called. They're called quarters. Deal with it.
Second, the game itself is far too tedious to observe for longer than it takes to eat a solidified corn-dog. It's too repetitive. Much too repetitive. Very repetitive. Overly repetitive. See how annoying it is? Fortunately, I have a solution for that as well. The first quarter would be played in the traditional manner, except that one designated audience member would be stationed in the press box with a paintball gun. His instructions would be to "fire at Will or anyone else you feel needs some aesthetic improvement." But wait, paintballs won't actually hurt the players, they wear pads! Not anymore they don't! The second quarter will also be played in the traditional manner, except that mistreated, and therefore extremely aggressive, ostriches will replace the running backs on each team. These flightless birds will be starved, beaten daily, and learned to recognize and crave the scent and taste of blood.
A five-minute Lego break will follow the second quarter. It will still be called halftime. Can I call it 63.3333333% time? No.
The third quarter will be referred to as the "Pac-Man quarter." Basically, the players will emerge from their Lego break refreshed and in different uniforms, each adorned with pictures of various fruits. When five minutes remain, a mistreated, and therefore extremely aggressive, Pac-Man will be released onto the field. As he pursues the fruit he loves so dearly, the deafening roar of "wucka wucka wucka wucka" assaulting the ears both players and fans alike, football will achieve perfection.
Other ideas include the ball being replaced by a midget, or the players being replaced by midgets.
Do your country a favor; write to your local football franchise and congressman about the aforementioned alterations while I exert an indefatigable effort to starve a whole shit-load of ostriches. Together, we can end the oppression of women everywhere! Fear not, ladies, the right to vote will soon be yours. In exchange, I ask only that I be allowed to cop approximately two feels from each of you. Thank you for your time.
