So, You found a robot
by Matt Finley


         Well played, you ingenious ruffian! You discovered a robot! What to do now? Follow this helpful guide:

         The first thing you must do upon discovering a robot is ensure that it's actually a robot. If you are unsure, use the checklist below to help you decide.

The thing I found is:

________ Not A Robot            ________ A Robot

Answer Key:
- For every time you answered a) give yourself a point.
- For every time you answered b) give yourself two points.

1 Point - Sorry, the thing you found is not a robot
2 Points - Good job! You found a robot (or something that isn't a robot twice)
3 or more points - You're either drunk or you found a Transformer, either way, Congratulations!

         If you are sure you've found a robot, or are too drunk to care either way, you must now determine whether the robot is hostile. To do this, kick it around what resembles its face. Are you dead? Good. That means the robot you've found is not hostile. Before moving on, be sure to apologize or kick it again, which ever feels more natural.

         Now that you've apologized and/or finished kicking your robot (if you want to get one more good one in, that's okay) you'll need to know what its name is. You can either scour its body to see if it's written anywhere or name it yourself. Below is a list of good robot names:

  • Killbot
  • Killbot 200
  • Roboid
  • Deathotron
  • Roboid Deathotron 200
  • Killbot 300
         Once your robot has a name, you must determine its function. Every robot is designed for a purpose whether that purpose is to perform a physical or mental task more efficiently than human workers or grant sexual favors to a lonely inventor. Often times, a robot's function is described in its name. For instance, a robot built to peel bananas might be called "bananabot" This name not only clues those unaware into what the robot does but is also a clever lampoon of the brand name "Banana Boat." So, let's say your robot's named "Killbot". Obviously, it was made for killing. "Deathotron?" Yeah, that's for killing, too. But what about "Roboid?" Also killing! So, what if your robot isn't killing anything? Kick it until it does!

         Good luck and enjoy your marvel of modern technology!



 b i o g r a p h y

Tell your mom that Matt Finley said so, and that he's not afraid of her.





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