by Jonah Platt & Theodore Bressman
The era of the penny is coming to an end. Why? Because they JUST DONT MAKE CENTS! Pennies are merely insignificant copper circles that we carry around for noreason. We ask you, when was the lasttime something you bought was worth $2.01? We decided to ask the Upper East Manhatten community what they thought on such a sensitive subject. I cash them in at the Food Emporium for 6/8 of the value, says 17 year old Patrick Turner, I would miss them if they went away. Alex Seeper, 23, offered, I hate them. They're annoying, unless you use them for sex." Another confused college student, who refused to give his name, wondered, "why are they so small?" When asked, Darnell Hudson, 19, said, "You know what I think? I think that it is no accidentthat the smallest and cheapest coin is also the only brown one. It also has Abraham Lincoln, the president who freed the slaves." Adam Bloom, 74, frazzled by such a pressing issue, could not formulate a coherent response. This is all we could make out: "What about pennies? Like the coin? What is this, for theTimes?" No Adam, it is not for the Times. Jen Wallstein, 15, offered great insight into the great penny debate with the following words of wisdom: "I like pennies. It's my mom's name." (Her mom's name is not pennies, its Penny, in case you were wondering.) Amanda Gold, 33, speechless on such a pressing issue, could only utter the following sentence fragments, Uhh, the circular things? Uhh, yeah Amanda. The quotation of the day, however, and this far exceeds the Ben Browns, why not number four today? was delivered by the apple of the Tiger Cafes eye, Nancy. She unleashed the following words, Oh you talk about American moneys? s*#t...If you have one penny you still need one hundred and 25 more to take the train. Word to your mother Nance. Those words capture the essence of the penny: You need a hundred and 25 more to take the train. Even though you really need 150 pennies to board a subway in New York City, the sentiment of the profound statement remains applicable. Pennies are worthless. They do not make cents; they merely make a cent, and one cannot do anything with a cent. I admit that organizations such as Common Sense and other penny drives are worthwhile, but the only reason why these drives exist is because there is a general recognition that nobody uses pennies. Damn you pennies. Damn you. Please stay tuned for the upcoming quandary that hovers over the Upper East Manhatten community: Nickels. Why?
After many exhortations from the Upper East Manhatten community, I return for round two, and put forth the following question: The Nickel, Why? Having already tackled the penny issue, I wonder if there is an actual use for the nickel. I will have to say, No, there is no use for the nickel. Personally, I would appreciate the nickel much more if it were iced out with a Bentley and a house-R. Kelly. By the way, I did the calculations and one would have to drop 6,740,000 nickels to pick up a Bentley. Anyway, I asked Amanda Gold, 33, her thoughts on the nickel, in comparison to the penny, and after her coherent and eloquent response to the penny issue, she had the following to say: Am I gonna get another dumb quote? Its better than the penny. Oh you. Jessie Whoppler, 17, previously Doppler, dropped the following, I think that the nickel is a good thing, very useful, especially at the bagelry I find. Punk the Bagelry. Punk the Bagelry. That is no excuse for the nickel, ya heard? Untill the nickel provides whodis around the world with ice on their mouth and wrists, I will not use it, nor will I advocate the use. In fact, you can put me on the record for an outright protest of the nickel. We have to ask ourselves the question, Change? Or time for a change? Yeah, what now. Stay tuned. But If you dont want to use nickels in the mean time, Im all for it. By the way, Go to HipHopJewels.com; its worth your while, as is FatChicksInPartyHats.com. TB & JP 4 life. Dalton Ball, what. Forty Deuce, que que. No doubt. Now one evil might say, Dont hate, celebrate, but I have reason to hate the nickel. Ya Heard?
| b i o g r a p h y |
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Jonah Platt & Theodore Bressman
sincerely hope ya heard.
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