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1. Who is responsible for this abomination?
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I am. Yeah me, over here. In the black shirt.
2. Where can I find the current version of this FAQ?
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At no place other that the fabulous Swing Machine, found at www.swingmachine.org. I should warn you, though, that the chances this thing (the FAQ, not the Swing Machine itself) will get updated are smaller than, well, anything. Even really small things.
3. What's this FAQ about, anyway?
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The purpose of this FAQ is to answer frequently asked questions.
4. Funny, so what's this FAQ really about?
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Umm, see #3.
5. Oh OK.
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Please phrase your answer in the form of a question. In case that "question" was more than an attempt to show off your phrase-forming skills and was actually an attempt at sarcasm, I'll further explain. This FAQ was put together to centralize all the Chucky Cheese skeeball information available and to put it into a format that both beginners and experts the world over could read, understand, and enjoy.
6. Better, but I'm still bitter at you.
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Again, not a question.
7. So what's the most important thing in regards to Chucky Cheese skeeball?
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There are actually two equally important aspects of Chucky Cheese skeeball: the police who investigate the crimes, and the district attorney who prosecutes the offenders. These are their stories. Bum-bum. Hah, just kidding -- the district attorney doesn't actually have anything to do with Chucky Cheese skeeball...
8. That's interesting, but I don't think you answered my question...
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I was just pausing for breath. Jeesh. Anyway, the first, and oft overlooked, key to Chucky Cheese skeeball is actually getting into the establishment. Yes, you might be able to get into strip clubs, be able to buy cancer (cigarettes, for the uninformed), and be able to buy alcohol to drown yourself in. Getting into Chucky Cheese, however, is a whole other ballgame. Chucky Cheese, apparently, is for kids. Now, a reasonable definition of "kids" might be people who like to play skeeball, but that's not Chucky Cheese's definition. Chucky Cheese's definition, while not explicitly declared, doesn't seem to include 18+ year olds looking for a mean game of skeeball. Fortunately, Chucky Cheese managers usually let anybody in, even if they don't meet their definition of a kid. Usually, but not always. And when they don't let you in, and you insist that you have a right to go in (which may or may not be true, but you really shouldn't be expected to be making rational decisions when skeeball is so salivatingly close), they call the police. The police, in turn, beat you over the head senseless with cucumbers, or tell you to go home. It's anybody's guess how they pick between the two.
9. Hey, I was just pausing for breath too. I was going to tack on "you stupid dork" to the end of my last statement. Actually, I was going to use a much more raunchy word than "dork", but there was a little kid walking nearby, and thoughts of stealing her lollypop distracted me.
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Yeah, well you're ugly.
10. Blast.
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Hah!
11. Right... I really should probably go now, but I feel like I should try to extract at least a little information from you before I murder you in your sleep.
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Good idea. Anything you want to know?
12. Well, I'm kind of curious about this whole Chucky Cheese skeeball thing, actually.
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Oh really? What a coincidence. This is, after all, a Chucky Cheese skeeball FAQ.
13. Wow, that is fortunate. So... ?
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So what? Oh, you want information about Chucky Cheese skeeball? I see. The first thing you should know is 450.
14. 450?
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Yep.
15. Err?
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450 is the number of points you need to hit the "jackpot".
16. Tell me more about this "jackpot".
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This is getting out of hand. If you ever try to "ask" a non-question again, I'm going to beat you over the head with not one but two cucumbers. I wouldn't be using bold if I weren't serious.
17. All right, all right.
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<whack whack!>
18. Ouch!
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<whack whack!>
19. Ou... fine - would you please tell me more about the jackpot, oh devilishly handsome one?
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No problem. Every time a person plays a game of skeeball at a particular Chucky Cheese (assuming, of course, that they have implemented the standard jackpot system), a counter increases by one, topping off at 250. If someone gets a skeeball score of 450, then that person gets the number of tickets equal to the counter, and the counter resets to zero.
20. Whoa! That means that it's possible to get 250 tickets for only $.25?
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Yep. I think you're starting to see the appeal.
21. So that's a theoretical intake of 10 tickets per every cent spent - is that a good deal?
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Amazingly enough, it is. A 6000 ticket lava lamp goes for $40 at Spencer Gifts. You can get 6000 tickets for a mere $6, so if you can then sell the lamp for $30 (at a stand right outside Spencer Gifts, for example), then you'll be making a $24, or 400%, profit.
22. Holy moly!
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That wasn't a freaking question!
23. Sorry.. sorry. Will you please not hit me?
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<whack whack!> No.
24. Yow... umm... question... question... so how exactly can one get a 450?
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Good question. In conventional skeeball, you role a ball up a lane with a bump at the end, causing the ball to fly into the air. Depending on where it lands, there are places to get 10, 20, 30, 40, or 50 points for one ball. Since you get nine balls, to get a 450 you need to get all 50's.
25. Is that hard?
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Not only is it hard, it's freaking hard. Not impossible or anything, but since the 50-hole isn't much bigger than the ball, it is unrealistic to expect to be able to consistently score 450's by getting nine 50's every time.
26. So you got my hopes up for nothing?
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Not at all. Chucky Cheese skeeball is, fortunately, unconventional.
27. How so?
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In addition to the five places mentioned before, there are two 100-holes in the upper corners.
28. Oh awesome - so if I can get five 100's, I'll be able to get the required 450?
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It's even better than that. If you miss on a try to get the ball in a 100-hole, it will almost certainly still land in a place that will give you 10 points. So if you aim all nine balls at a 100-hole and get four of those nine in a 100-hole, you'll get 10 points for the remaining five balls, and score the required 450.
29. So I don't even need a 50% accuracy - that sounds pretty easy, right?
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Well, it's still rather hard, and will require quite a bit of work to be able to get consistent.
30. Oh... any advice?
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Aim.
31. Aargh.
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<whack whack!>
32. mmmeh... any more advice?
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Techniques vary. This author likes to throw across the lane from the right hand to the left-hand 100-hole. Sometimes the ball can bounce off the siding into the hole, and sometimes it will go straight in. Others like a more down-the-line approach, throwing from their right hand to the right-hand 100-hole. Of course, if you're left handed, you're a freaking weirdo and will have your arms chopped off next Tuesday anyway, so it doesn't matter.
33. Hey! I'm left-handed!
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<whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack!>
34. <cough> my god... <cough>... blood...
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<whack whack!>
35. Aahh...
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<raises cucumbers>
36. ... any... final advice?
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<lowers cucumbers> Oh sure. Try to get a lane isolated from people, and avoid wearing a heavy coat, to give you enough room to get a full swing.
37. ... feeling dizzy... going... lie down...
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<whack whack!>
38. Oomph. Everything's... black... spinning... wait, uhh, anything else?
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There's not too much else to tell. Once you get the jackpot, the tickets will come spewing out, taking a couple minutes. If you're the type, you might find this somewhat embarrassing. If this is indeed the case, it would be a good idea to bring someone along who is less embarrassed by that sort of thing, and have him stand by the skeeball machine when it's giving out the tickets. Of course, you have to be able to trust him not to steal them.
39. ... can't feel... arms... any... thing...
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<whack whack!>
40. help m...
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<whack whack!>
41. ... white... light... going...
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<whack whack!>
42. ...
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Oops.
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