If I had $500 to spend, I like to think that I would spend it on something that could somehow be considered a benefit to me, even in the slightest way. For instance, if I paid someone to break my legs, it would not be a benefit. If I paid someone to inject turpentine into my body, it would not be a benefit. If I paid $500 for something that is free anyway, it would not be a benefit either, unless of course it is a pound of elephant poop, and only then if it’s still warm. (Never mind why.)
I know that in my case, living in a world where every meal consists of ramen noodles, $500 could take me a long way. So when someone blows $500 on something that is not only free, but has no redeeming value whatsoever, my noodles tend to get in a bunch. ($500 translates to 3,000 servings of ramen, or roughly enough to feed a starving family in Ethiopa for eight generations.)
Consider an Ebay auction that my friend Teejay sent me a link to with the earnest description: [sic] “people ar edumb!!!!!!!” Based on the description alone, I knew that serious folly was afoot. The auction was for a “Really Low Six Digit” ICQ number. (ICQ is a chat program, similar to AOL’s Instant Messenger. As opposed to Instant Messenger, where identity relies on screen name alone, ICQ identity relies on a number, allowing the user to change his ICQ screen name as he wishes.) ICQ numbers are given out for free to whomever wants them, so there would have to be an excellent reason for someone pay $500 for one, right? The auctioneer’s main selling point of this treasure was that it is “a nice low number which could show you are no newcomer to the online world.” I guess that kind of works the same way that having copious amounts of nose and ear hair would prove that you’re no diaper-wearing dot-com washout, but a hardened veteran, seasoned in the ways of the online world. But wait—there’s more! It would also be “great for business use due to the easy to remember number.” I can just imagine the clients pouring in, irresistibly drawn to your low ICQ number like hapless children to the Pied Piper.
Scene: a large bank that needs someone to develop their record-keeping software:
Partner #1: “I’m sorry, Mr. Gates, but I’m afraid your ICQ number is just too high. We could never work with a seven digit number.”
Mr. Gates: “But I’m the global leader in software development and the richest man in the world!”
Partner #2: “Yeah, like we’ve never heard that before. We’re going with that guy who paid $500 for his six-digit number. That man is a genius!”
Guy with the 6-digit number: (Walks in.) “Hey guys, what’s shakin’?”
Partners: (Kneel and start bowing.) “We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”
Mr. Gates: “Say, could you autograph my palm pilot? My wife’s a big fan.”
Guy with the 6-digit number: “Sure, after last night, she deserves it.”
Guy with a 5-digit number: (Floats in on a blanket of air, radiating pure white light.)
Partner #1: The second coming! The scriptures were correct!
Partner #2: “What is your bidding, O five-digit one?”
Guy with a 5-digit number: “Kill Mr. Gates.”
Mr. Gates: “Hey, what did I do wrong?”
Guy with a 5-digit number: “Gee, I don’t know... there’s MS Hailstorm for starters.”
Mr. Gates: (chuckling to himself) “Heh heh, good point.” (He is struck by lightning and vaporizes on the spot.)
Of course we know that this scenario is ridiculous (Mr. Gates actually has an eight-digit ICQ number), but it illustrates my point well: that owning a six-digit ICQ number is like being the emperor with new clothes—new clothes that put him out five hundred bucks and make him look like a total sucker.
If there’s one thing that’s clear here, it’s that these people don’t deserve to keep their money. P.T. Barnum was the one who said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” I think we would have made a good team, old P.T. and I. He could have abused the circus animals and their trainers, and I could have raked in all the dough. The problem with the current situation is that the suckers are handing over their dough, but none of it’s going to me. Plus the elephants and the bears are getting off a little too easy; someone needs to teach them an old-fashioned lesson in circus animal cruelty.
Which reminds me of how hungry I am right now. I’ll sell anybody nose hair for $500. No questions asked. Just ICQ me--I’m the guy with the 5-digit number. And I didn’t have to pay anyone to get it, mind you. I traded it for a pound of warm elephant poop.
Epilogue: The person who bought the $500 ICQ number tried to pay with a stolen credit card. He would have been better off using elephant poop. Guess nobody told him about that.
| b i o g r a p h y |
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Mr. Interesting invites all suckers who contact him at his toll-free e-mail address for their free dough-handing-over evaluation. |
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