Jodie and I are superheroes. But we don't battle evil villains or save little kids from falling into Niagara Falls, really. We travel the countryside, spreading our message of universal love. We sit in subway stations, and I play an acoustic guitar, and she plays the tambourine and sings. We sing about why you shouldn't be an evil villain and why you should hold on tightly to the guard rail at Niagara Falls and why you should let your anger out in sweet, resonant song for the whole world to hear, instead of detonating two nuclear missiles aimed in opposite directions. Our rhythms just reach right out and touch people. I think we really make a difference. We sing about green grass, and clean water, and opening your hearts to love.
You could say we're more hippies than superheroes, really. We're really crunchy. We eat organic foods and smoke organic herbs. I walk my dog for five hours every day. Jodie never washes herself or shaves her legs or armpits. She's completely natural. We make hemp jewelry and sell it on the streets. People bought so much of it we had to hire assistants. We started a hemp-making corporation. We have 600,000 employees worldwide, and we're #346 in the Fortune 500. Also, we have the South American cocaine market cornered.
I guess we're more corrupt entrepreneurs than anything, really. I have six Porsches, Jodie has twenty motorcycles. We like to call really rich people who are poorer than us but still incredibly rich and make fun of them over video-phones. We ask them why they only own one country and why nobody's ever heard of it and if that means it sucks. Then Jodie moons them, and we hang up. But it's because we're actually against all that. We don't like capitalism. We went to Quebec to protest the FTAA and to Washington, D.C. to protest the WTO. We don't like the government either. Or the people, for that matter.
We're really more activists than entrepreneurs, I guess. We don't even care what we're being active about as long as we get to wave signs and scream things. Once we protested photosynthesis just because, you know, it's photosynthesis. Those plants should pay for their sunlight. And who ever asked them eat up carbon dioxide? I didn't. I, for one, enjoy the thrilling effects of global warming; skin cancer can't ravage my body fast enough, the ice caps are overrated, and hurricanes sound like fun. Some day Jodie and I are going to fly into the stratosphere just like Superman and throw the planet into the sun. Then everybody won't have a reason to complain anymore because they'll be dead, dead, dead like Kurt Cobain and Mickey Mantle and Leonardo Da Vinci and everyone who signed the Declaration of Independence, and we'll have peace and quiet, and no one will have to do anything they don't like or talk to anyone that annoys them or watch any shows that don't have naked people in them ever ever and no one will ever ever ever be unhappy again.
I guess we are superheroes after all.
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