The Campaign Against the Last Two Campaigns
by Chuck Moulton
To whom it may concern:
Time travel is just a Red Heron. Tony Lastowka and Sean McBride don't give a
hoot about time travel; they're just distracting you from the real threat: Steve
Matthews. I happen to know for a fact that Steve Matthews DOES NOT intend to build a
time machine. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't because he neither has the knowledge
nor the resources to undertake such a task. So what are the motivations behind this
maniacal group of conspirators, who are working together to spread rumors of Steve's
technical savvy and to create the impression that he is capable of fourth dimensional
manipulations? Obviously they are up to no good, of that much we may be certain. In my
opinion, these evil men are communists who plan to use Steve's fame and power acquired
from the "time travel" rumors they've been spreading in political and scientific circles
as vehicles for Steve's path to the presidency. They hope that a naive American public
will be duped by their delusions of grandeur, envisioning a new America in which their
president can do no wrong (and even if he does, he can always rectify the situation by
traveling back in time and giving himself a good scolding for his stupidity). Once in
office, he would, of course, repeal the Constitution, abandoning those principles we
hold so dear, and set up a communist dictatorship lead by him. Evil, my friends, evil.
What can we do about it? What can you and I hope to accomplish in the unending fight
against Steve's tyranny? Simple, brothers, read his propaganda with skepticism and be
wary of logical analysis, for we all know true capitalist, patriotic Americans are quite
loony and would not employ such brilliant arguments as those fellows. Beware of dark
corners: you never know where devious communists may be lurking.
Chuck Moulton
is a renowned astrophysicist obsessed with the mechanics of old
cheese, particularly Camembert. He is famous for his clever disguises, which he employs
strategically in his quest to study planets in their native habitat. You see, Chuck
believes planets behave differently when there are people around in an effort to confuse
them, so the only way to really learn anything is to convince said planets that you, the
scientist, are a passing comet or an innocent nebula and, having done so, to observe
these planets, now lulled into a sense of complacency, in their real forms. He is also
convinced that Einstein himself was the planet Neptune, who assumed human form to spread
lies and fool stupid humans into believing "gravity" was a natural force, and not a
controlling mechanism exerted by our planetary masters. Sometimes Chuck can be seen
banging orange Jello with tuning forks and listening intently for a response. Every now
and then he yells "Wombat!" and hurls live squirrels at pedestrians who happen by his
house, but this is normal behavior for theorists of his caliber. Chuck insists that
zoos are a communist plot to infiltrate our country and one day all the monkeys will
escape from their cages and subdue an unsuspecting nation. He thinks washing machines
and polka dots are communist plots as well, but admittedly he believes almost everything
is a communist plot. If I were you (and I probably am, for who but me would read such
terrible literature?), I would take everything Chuck says about communist plots with a
grain of salt... and a shot of bourbon. He's completely insane and should be locked up
in a mental institution with me and Sean and the rest of the writing staff here at the
Electric Big-Bang Swing Machine. It's just dandy in here. We're having a great time,
and I bet Chuck would feel right at home. As an added bonus, every time you uncover a
new communist plot, the doctor gives you a cookie. Mmm, cookies.
