The Campaign Against Time Travel from Tony Lastowka

The Campaign Against Time Travel
by Tony Lastowka

To Whom It May Concern:

A new technology is quickly emerging that endangers the lifestyles of us all. The physical and spiritual health of our country is in grave danger, and I don't mean the Internet. No sir, I am worried about a much more dangerous technology that is about to emerge from the basement of one Steven Matthews. Steve is building a time machine, and I believe he can succeed. That is why I am urging preemptive legislation before science fiction becomes science fact.

The first, and most obvious risk is that Steven could potentially destroy the space-time continuum. I have no idea what this means, but any theoretical physicist can tell you that this would be a bad thing. Life, the Universe and Everything would cease to exist. I must clarify that ceasing to exist is much worse than any other issue facing America. Even nuclear warfare may leave a few survivors, but non-existence is complete in its slaughter. I for one, enjoy existing, and I am sure that at least several other Americans share this interest

A smaller, more believable risk would be that of murder. If you have seen the Terminator movies you know what I'm talking about. If a time traveler didn't like someone, he could kill their mother before they were born. In fact, all he would have to do is go back and give the mother several brochures on contraception and then his opponents would never be born. Even scarier is that if time travel is allowed, the people most at risk will be people like myself who understand the danger, and hence pose a risk to their selfish regime badness.

         Other risks of time travel include cheating the lottery, electioneering, and communism. Just think, Steve could give winning lottery numbers to himself, insuring that he would win millions of dollars. He could then use this ill-earned money to get people to support him and get him elected. Finally, I believe that all time travelers are avid supporters of Communism, so they would surely get communists elected.

         We must act now because once the machine is built it will be impotent legislation. Steve, or any other time traveler will easily be able to go back in time and cripple any attempts to create legislation against it. However, if he is stopped from building his time machine in the first place, this will never be a possibility.

         Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Hey, I like passing laws as much as the next guy, but how is this going to increase my salary, while still getting me re-elected so that I can spend more of the taxpayers money?" That is a good question, and I have a good answer, which I swear I will inform you of as soon as your actions show your support in this issue.

         In advance, I thank you, America thanks you, and I thank you.

Sincerely,
Tony Lastowka

Tony Lastowka likes to breathe. It was funny when his brain imploded.

Table of Contents

Pro-Time Machines