Sean McBride
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I'm no thief. In fact, I'd consider myself a man of the People.
But when the People are just begging to have their large, expensive
possessions stolen, I find it hard to resist.
Think I'm joking around? I'm not. Nine trips out of every ten I make to a convenience store, somebody ducks into the store, leaving their keys in their ignition, with the car RUNNING. This is what these people are saying to me: "Here is my car. I even left it running for you. Please steal it and teach me to be a lazy butt, so when I come back outside with Cracker Jacks stuffed in my mouth and a Slurpee in my hand I can stand there like an idiot and wonder why God let me have a car if I'm so stupid." When someone leaves their car running and ready for you like that, it means you should TAKE IT! But you don't have to be mean about it; any respectable person would be nice enough to leave their own car behind, still running. That way, at least the Idiot has something to go home in. Or you might just leave a tricycle, perhaps with the keys in the ignition, and a note that says, "Good swap, genius. Just try not to lose this too." Once you've gotten comfortable with the idea of trading cars, you can play a little game called Wawa-hopping! That's where you hop from Wawa to Wawa, stealing a new car at each location. For an added Bonus, bring a police scanner with you to listen to their reports. Police Radio: We have a stolen vehicle reported: a green Honda Accord. You: (in the silver Porsche) Ha, coppers! That was three cars ago. I'm way ahead of yas! The police will never be able to catch you, probably not even if they were at the same Wawa, buying doughnuts! Know why? Cause you STOLE their police car when they went in ALL STUPID AND HUNGRY with the keys in the ignition and the car running! You: (into the real police radio) Headquarters, this is Officer Bill. Officer Fred and Officer Jake are going to need backup at the Springfield Wawa. They thought their patrol car was a doughnut and they ate it. Officer Fred is complaining of stomach pains, probably a leaky valve or something. Better get Maaco. So you see, these people want me to steal their cars from them; they have made it abundantly clear. That's why I'm going start my mission tomorrow. I'm going to steal a car from every Wawa and 7-11 in the continental United States. Essentially, it's a Car Tax on stupid people, as a lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. So if the owners ever run up as I'm stealing their car and plead with me, "What the #@$% do you think you're doing?" I'll just tell them, plain and simple, "Sorry, Car Tax. There's nothing I can do." And I'll drive away. |
