Some would say that it is a good thing that smoking is becoming less and less socially
acceptable, but an astute sociohealthologist such as myself would disagree. You see,
prestigious studies have shown that as smoking has declined, society's obsession with
coffee has increased, even though the number of coffee drinkers is the same. In one of
these studies, I went to a college in Chicago and found that it has about ten coffee shops,
but I met no students who actually go to these shops (or that smoked, for that matter).
Critics say that this college is an anomaly, since the college is full of "smart" people who
are 45% more likely than average to "mike themselves." Nevertheless, I challenge myself
to see that stupid Starbucks logo more times in two days than I did then. I decline. See, I
win. HA! They had Starbucks on the plane, at the airport, in the "Loop" (that's Chicagoan
for "Center City"), and even in the college cafeterias.
I'm sick of these coffee cliques! They sit in their cafes, sucking caffeine out of their "Bucks County Coffee Co." souvenir cups then shake their heads at some guy in a "Bud Lite" shirt. (sometimes for the drunken slobbering, sometimes for the "Lite," and sometimes for the frog puppets) Fools! Hypocrites! Compromisers! Hypocrites! Ahhh... refreshing Jolt......um yes where was I? I'm tired of Java Joe with his stupid "Javaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" mug and glasses and painted on mustache! Take your object based programming and go home, Joe! You know what this vanilla mocha expresso wazoo reminds me of? No, not Venice! It reminds me of YOUR MOM! Cheers is a bar, not a coffee shop! And it's closed! Get out before I stick Norm and Cliff on you! Yeah you better run! Back with Juan Valdez and Toucan Sam you go! HA! I propose the following reasonable measures to stop this expensive coffee epidemic:
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