Phil's Guide To Courses That WHS Really Needs
A Satire Of WHS Course Selection Guide
English Dept.
0153 Tech Prep
Basic Reading
This course deals with teaching intellectually
challenged students to be at least "functionally illiterate."
This course focuses on in-depth analyses of Hop On Pop and
Green Eggs and Ham. Authors studied in the course include
Dr. Seuss and many others.
0402 Advanced Placement
English For Compulsive Nerds
Do you like to spend your entire life doing nothing but
schoolwork? Then this course is for you. Course
requirements include daily themes and 2 novels (350+ pages)
read weekly. This course requires students to memorize the
entire Webster's Unabridged Dictionary of the English
Language in one week.
Social Studies Dept.
1723 College Prep
The Dark Ages
This course deals with spending the entire year studying
the Dark Ages. Any student who does not fall asleep in class
for ten consecutive class periods will receive an "A" for the
course.
1698 Tech Prep
The Explorers
This course involves memorizing the names of all of the
explorers, from Balboa to Cabot to Magellan, and then
parroting them back on tests. No other activities. This
course is very similar to a grade school social studies
class.
Mathematics Dept.
2118 Honors
Blackjack Card Counting
This course will teach you how to win big money in
Atlantic City and Las Vegas, as well as how to avoid
detection. However, Wissahickon High School assumes no
responsibility if you get beat up by hired goons working for
the casino.
Science Dept.
3693 Honors
Mad Science
Are you extremely eccentric or weird? Do you like to
explode things? Then this course is for you. Topics of
study include making your own explosives, the effects of
radiation on laboratory animals and students, building your
own atomic bomb, and mixing chemicals to cause explosions.
3203 Advanced Placement
Topics in Theoretical Metaphysics
Enough said.
3260 Tech Prep
Basic Science for Morons
This course deals with the three states of matter and
simple machines. No reading required, as many people who
take this course are illiterate.
Foreign Language Dept.
4500 H; 4502 CP
Pig Latin
In case you didn't learn this in grade school, here's
your chance. A great opportunity to learn a foreign language
without studying hard.
4638 Tech Prep
Vulgar Slang Terms 4801 Tech Prep
Basic Profanity
Both of these courses will greatly expand your
vocabulary. Essential for any student who uses too much
clean language.
Business / Computer Education Dept.
5308 Honors
Introduction to Computer Hacking
This course deals with everything a basic hacker should
know, such as breaking into data bases and changing things
around. All students enrolled in this course will
automatically receive "F's" and must break into the school's
computerized database and change their grade in order to
receive an "A."
5318 Honors
Advanced Computer Hacking
This course deals with such topics as breaking into
Missile Launch computers and deleting the entire Prodigy
online system. For professional hackers only.
5458 Honors
Computer Virus Programming
This course will teach you how to create fun-filled
computer viruses. 5408 and 5411 are required as
prerequisites for this course.
Art Dept.
7706
Stick Figure Drawing
This course describes in great detail how to draw stick
figures. This is a great elective for lazy seniors who need
to fill space on their class schedules.
Special Programs
9402
Basic Truancy
This course will teach you how to skip school without
getting caught. Any student who shows up for this class more
than five times will receive an "F."
9406
Advanced Truancy
With this course, you will be able to play hooky for the
rest of your high school career without getting caught.
5308 (Basic Computer Hacking) is required as a prerequisite
so that you can change your attendance record via modem, as
well as your grades. Any student who shows up more than once
will fail.
Phil Allen
is a 17 year old Wissahickon High School graduate who managed to
resist Elementary School burn-out. He will be attending Ursinus College and majoring in
Chemistry, with a plan in his mind to harness nuclear fusion
and to use it to take over the entire world.
