Holy Snot!
by Chuck Moulton

My most recent brainstorm occurred at lunch when someone sneezed. It has always struck me as odd how people always say "Bless you," whenever someone sneezes. Why do they do that? I think I have the answer. When people sneeze they lose holiness. They must be blessed again to regain it. How did they lose they holiness? It must have been in the snot. As a result, people must be blessed when they sneeze. Makes sense. Okay, so snot makes us holy. Therefore, people with a lot of snot must be really holy. Do priests sneeze? Not usually. When they do they are unfit for work and must call in sick. That explains why most people leave their job when they're sick. Does Superman sneeze? Nope, he's holy. Does Sadam Hussain sneeze? Yes, he is a heathen! Does the pope sneeze? No. Good so far. Who is God? The most holy being. And who is the most holy being? The one with the most snot. Who has the most snot? I think I do. Unless you wish to go around checking people's noses, I suggest you agree with me. Accept me as your god on the basis of snot! And remember, when you call me a snot-face, you're really complimenting me.

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Chuck Moulton makes his money by formatting AOL disks, removing the labels, and reselling them to the consumer. Five years ago he started a successful company called 3M on this premise, and since then he has managed to corner the floppy disk market and become a multi-billionare. In his spare time, he rehabilitates homeless criminal vagrants by taking them to his Malibu mansion, giving them a decent meal, and training them to be his evil minions. Later, after they are thoroughly brainwashed and hypnotised to do his beckoning, he plans to use them to forcibly take over the Kelloggs empire and become a cereal tyrant, imposing his will on all breakfast eaters, but for now it is only a dream. Occasionally he can be seen hunched over a bowl of Cornflakes laughing maniacally. He also enjoys clubbing baby seals, spackling fish to his wall, and convincing small children that Santa wants to eat them. His exploits figure prominently in newspapers and periodicals. The media went crazy last Saturday when, while having breakfast with the President in the Red Room, he grabbed the orange juice and proceeded to defend it from Chelsea and an overzealous Secret Service agent using his "fork of doom." Hillary allegedly accosted him with her lated hairdo, but to no avail. Steve Matthews, another guest, apparently jumped up on the table, kicking over countless glasses in the process, and yelled, "Stop it! I want my fork back." Many think Chuck may have gone insane when, on one of his "quantum leap" attempts, he ran into a wall and knocked himself unconscious. This biographer, however, withholds judgement.

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