Scene 1: School Board members discussing bad ideas.
School Board Member (SBM) 1: The public is whining about the
schools again. They say we aren't doing enough.
SBM 2: We need to come up with another elaborate, far-
fetched, zany idea to make it look like we're doing
something.
SBM 3: Let's see, we've already tried modern math, open
classrooms... can anybody think of something?
SBM 1: How about year-round school?
SBM 3: Not original enough. All the other schools are doing
it. By now, people already know it won't work.
SBM 2: We need a wacky idea no one's ever tried before. I
want it to look like we're making an effort. I could care
less about those #$%@ kids, I just want to get reelected.
SBM 4: Why don't we mess with the high school's class
schedule?
SBM 1: Yeah, people would think we're pioneers in the field
of education.
SBM 2: Maybe we could make twenty-seven fifteen minute class
periods instead of nine forty-five minute classes. Then kids
could take three times as many courses. They'd learn three
times as much! We'd all get reelected for being such
geniuses!
SBM 3: I have a better idea. We'll make each day one really
long period. That way they'd learn more, with no time wasted
in hallways, bathrooms, or the cafeteria. If we eliminated
lunch periods and hallway time, we would have more time for
learning. Kids don't need to eat lunch anyway.
SBM 5: Why don't we compromise? We'll have four ninety-
minute class periods each day. We'll keep the lunch period
because the cafeteria's too profitable to get rid of.
Besides, the teachers would probably go on strike again if we
don't give them lunch breaks.
SBM 6: That doesn't sound innovative enough. I think we
should give shock therapy to the elementary school kids as a
method of negative reinforcement. We will be hailed as
education pioneers!
SBM 1: That's too reasonable. I think we should screw up the
schedules and pretend it's a new educational theory.
SBM 7: How do you know this is going to work?
SBM 5: No one ever tried it before, so there's no one to say
it didn't work. That way, if it fails, we can just say that
our preliminary data supported it. Then we'll find a new
strategy and try again. At least we're guaranteed to win the
next election.
SBM 7: What'll we do if this doesn't work?
SBM 5: We'll say that it's the English department's fault for
not cooperating with us, and we'll fire all the English
teachers and replace them with computers.
SBM 2: And if everyone hates the four-period day, we can use
my twenty-seven period idea to satisfy everyone.
SBM 8: Who cares about that? I just want to get reelected so
I can keep my school taxes low. Speaking of which, do you
know how much money we could save if we eliminated textbooks?
Kids don't need books to learn. They can just listen to the
lectures.
SBM 9: Maybe we could get just rid of the teachers and tell
the kids to read the textbooks. We'd save even more money!
Scene 2: At the public board meeting.
SBM 1: Motion to initiate "Intensive Scheduling" for the
1997-1998 school year.
SBM 1-9: Aye, aye, aye, aye...
SBM 1: Motion carries. Motion to eliminate all textbooks.
SBM 1-9: Aye, aye, aye, aye...
SBM 1: Motion carries. Motion to dismiss all teaching
personnel.
SBM 1-9: Aye, aye, aye, aye...
SBM 1: Motion carries.
Phil Allen
always enjoys a good game of rugby or Parcheesi, followed by a nice
tall glass of Dad's Root Beer, served by his stunning mistress, Bambi
McBuggypants, who is also his pet llama's trainer. He affectionately
refers to her as, "my sweet bitsy pookums," meaning the llama, that is.
