Campaign For Time Machines from Sean McBride

The Campaign For Time Machines
by Sean McBride

Dear Congressperson:

I'm sure it has come to your attention that the previously little-known physics supergenius Steve Matthews is on the verge of completing his time machine. And I'm also sure you've been warned of the potential hazards of such a contraption (i.e.: a time paradox that will destroy the entire space-time continuum). I realize how jittery one can get when his entire space-time continuum is at stake, but before you make any rash moves and start outlawing time travel like there's no tomorrow, I strongly urge you to think fourth dimensionally.

That's right: the time paradox is nothing more than a Communist rumor! It's a foul load of Communist poppycock transfused into Americans' thoughts to get John Q. Public to pester you guys to outlaw it, thereby doing the dirty work for them! You know they've been laying low for a while, spreading lies and instigating mild doses of terrorism--a time-bomb here, Dennis Rodman there--but don't overlook this ploy, not now when the time is crucial to keep them down. Not convinced? Well as much as you may want to outlaw time travel, there are critical reasons why you can't.

Taking a look at which powers really have jurisdiction over this matter, four little words come to mind: In God We Trust. Now I'm no Pope, but I don't remember anything about Thou Shalt Not Build A Time Machine In Thy Backyard in the Ten Commandments. And if time travel is possible, it seems that the Powers That Be (which are timeless and therefore exist at all points in time) would at least condone our discovery of time travel, if not think it was about time we got around to it but not being that surprised after all since we are the slow pokes who took about half an eon just to figure out the wheel. In short: the laws of God supercede the laws of man.

And think about the endless benefits!! We could predict the weather and make super-savvy economic choices, making us the forerunners on planet Earth once again! Our military intelligence would be unrivaled! And most importantly, we could stop people like Hitler and erase genocide in the past, present, and future!! If we are capable of saving those millions of lives, then it is our personal responsibility to do so. How could we knowingly halt time travel, letting those people suffer, and then be able to sleep at night with our consciences whispering to us: "Should've traveled back in time. Should've let Steve build his time machine. Should've Should've Should've listened to Sean." It's about time people realized I know what I am talking about when I am talking about time machines.

Don't be three-dimensional about this whole issue. We need to keep up with the Communists, we need to cast off our false reservations, and above all we need to think fourth-dimensionally. If the government and the people it represents can work together to make this work, Steve Matthews' time machine will be the saving grace of the human race. (And that spells out re-election for you my friend, if you're on our side.) So do what you know is right for everyone; support Steve and Time Travel and American Capitalism. Now is the Time.

Sincerely,
Sean McBride

Anti-Time Travel

Campaign Against the Last Two Campaigns