"If I Were A Tribesman" by John O'Hara

If I Were A Tribesman
by John O'Hara

One day, when I have a lot of money and influence, there is something that I would like to do. I would like to gather together a bunch of people and set up our own "primitive" tribal settlement somewhere in the South American jungles. Our camp would consist of a circle of huts where we all lived together, some gardens, and a patch of "holy ground" about a hundred yards from the main compound.

         The real fun of setting up this culture would be to have the anthropologists come and study our primitive dwellings. It would be stupendous fun to taunt all the anthropologists for their eighteen month stay.

         The first thing I would do would be to build an air-conditioned luxury hotel underground where the "holy ground" is located. Then, for hours at a time, all the citizens would sneak off to the hotel and leave the anthropologists sweating in the jungle. We wouldn't let any anthropologists on the holy ground because of an ambiguous detail such as the length of his or her right index finger. That way, we could spend the night in air-conditioned comfort, watching free HBO as the anthropologists have to contend with mosquitoes galore.

         Another fun trick to play on our visitors would be to have a word of the day, reminiscent of Pee Wee's Playhouse. Whenever the word was used (mainly by the outsider) we would all yell and scream and dance around while the females did cartwheels. (A typical word of the day could be "the" or "is.") Furthermore, the word would change on the hour so our visitor would not be able to figure out what it was.

         For religion, we could dance around in order to please the Almighty Ball of Gunk, which we would keep in a shrine in the center of the village. Then on every Tuesday and Saturday, as well as any Thursday on which it doesn't rain, we would all gather in the center of the village to discuss quantum physics in Pig Latin. Furthermore, whenever anyone mentioned Einstein's Theory of Relativity, we would bow deeply, do a backflip, and continue our discussion as if nothing had happened.

         Hopefully, after eighteen months, the anthropologist would go back to civilization and write a book on the strange customs of these primitive people. After it has been published, the whole tribe would show up at his door and tell him it was all just a big joke. I'll bet it would be good for a laugh.

John O'Hara is a an above-average human being with 2.1 arms and 10.2 fingers, which gives him an superior typing ability. He is on a mission from God, and as soon as he figures out what it is, he will let us all know.

Desperation!

in the drunken state...