"Macintoshes are Evil" by Phil Allen

Why Macintosh Computers are

Evil

by Phil Allen

It all started with two guys named Steve. The first guy was Steve Jobs, and the second one's last name was Wozniak or something like that. Anyway, they were two dangerous anarchists plotting to destroy America. The Wozniak guy says, "We all know that the future is in computers. If we invent an inferior, useless computer and market it to all of the schools in America, American students will come out of school knowing how to use our computers. They won't learn anything about the computers the rest of the world is using. America won't be able to compete with other nations, and Communism will rule the world." So the Jobs guy says "Great idea. Let's call it the 'Apple' and begin an agressive marketing campaign to every public school in the United States." So every school in America bought lots of Apple computers and completely ignored the fact that the rest of the world uses PC's. This was mostly because school board members tend to be out of touch with reality (see my article on Intensive Scheduling in Issue 2 for more info on this).

My point is, Macintosh computers are evil. So are incompetent school board members. Macintoshes will bring down America as we know it if those two guys named Steve have their way. If your school has a Macintosh computer lab, which it undoubtedly does, it is your patriotic duty to torch the school and destroy the evil Macintoshes. If you have a Macintosh at home, or know someone who does, mail it to Sean McBride and he will dispose of it properly. Or you could send it by UPS so it never gets delivered.

Editor's Disclaimer: Do not really send me any Macintoshes. I would much rather have a nice unicycle or a zoot suit, or even a pet rhinoceros, to replace Lumpy the Rhino, who I reluctantly had to give away in the name of All Stuff That's Good.

Phil's Disclaimer: Phil is not an antagonist and is not trying to stir up a humongous wave of controversy for himself in writing this article. The fact of the matter is that Phil was married to a MacIntosh computer (a lousy one at that), and, as most unions between humans and inanimate objects tend to lose their special magic after a while, this one was doomed from the day it was plugged in. They filed for divorce; the computer got custody of Phil's bedroom, Phil got the floppies. Terribly messy. Our hearts should go out to him.

The Swing Machine's Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article don't just necessarily reflect the opinions of yours truly, they are my opinions. In fact, I dictated this article to Phil while he, in a state of hypnosis, typed it out on his Apple II GS. And I was the one taking commands from my pet rhino, Lumpy, the mastermind behind this entire machination. Beware!! Beware of Rhino, my comrades!! Aa AA A AAAAA a AAA A a AA a A AA a a A A A Aa Aa aAA aAAAA AAAa AAa aAaAlllll right already.

Phil Allen harvests mutant turnips in the murky depths of his parents' basment. Little does the Wild Avenger of the Abashed Pineapple know that the culprit was not a kumquat, but a turnip! Phil plans to disclose this secret one day in an all-out attack on pantyhose everywhere, starting with the tacky blue pair on Dennis Rodman.

I Love Our School

According to T.J. . .