 |
by Tony Lastowka Lately I've been hearing a lot about some so-called wonder food called mushrooms. Lies! All lies!! These little umbrella shaped things are trying to be passed off as food by an alarming percentage of the population. If this should continue, we will be in dire straits indeed. Here are the facts about your mushrooms. First of all, mushrooms are fungus! Do you understand me? Fungus! The same thing that cause athlete's foot and jock itch and you're eating! For shame! I for one am not going to go around munching on something that could make my feet explode in an itchy rash! As if that were not enough, mushrooms KILL! That's right. Eating mushrooms is a one way ticket to a body bag! Know why? Because they have no calories! I ask you, what good is a food that has no calories! It takes energy to digest them and the poor eater doesn't receive any nourishment back! He would have been better off if he had never eaten at all! Now you are beginning to see the evil of the MUSHROOM! Another thing about mushrooms, they can be hallucinogenic! Druggies chow down on them all the time and then they see "colors" for many hours! Is this what we want to be feeding our children? Drugs? What if little Billy eats a 'shroom and then while he's riding his bike, the color of the stoplight appears green when it's read? No more Billy! Evil! Evil! Do you know how big mushrooms can get? Sometimes one fungus will spread out over dozens of acres, poking out here and there, creating the illusion of many mini-mushrooms. But be warned, for it's actually one giant mushroom and it's going to grow over your house at any second. Don't be fooled by lies such as "Mushrooms taste good on pizza." and "Mushrooms are your friend!" More lies! Mushroom propaganda! I know this guy who knows this girl and she says that her dad knew a guy whose roommate ate too many mushrooms and one day they started growing out his ears! I swear!! Mushrooms are nothing more than a fungus. And a Communist fungus, at that. I have tried them. So believe me when I tell you that mushrooms are the root of all evil, subtley infiltrating our front yards and pizza toppings, all in preparation for the Day of Judgement, when the Communist mushrooms will take over the world, and the Fungi Kingdom will rule once again! Don't let it happen to you! Resist the 'Shroom! Tony Lastowka has one wacked-out crazy room, which he will miss when he goes to Hartwick College. However, he will be able to bring the refrigerator. You know what that means! Pasta salad! |
