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So I'm just minding my own business the other day, ducktaping geese together in the park, when I suddenly decide I'm thirsty. Well, I don't really decide I'm thirsty -- My body told me in quite firm terms that it was craving liquids, specifically a cola-flavoured carbonated beverage, and I thought I would indulge its desires. So I pop over to the local mini-mart, and naively pick up a Coke. Believe me when I say I am lucky to be alive today. For as I lifted that bottle, I noticed a small label on the side -- "Warning: Contents under pressure. Point cap away from yourself and others while opening. Improper use may result in blindness or death." Whoah! Blindness!? Death!!?? And here I had been considering drinking that thing! How many times had I causually opened a bottle of soda, never thinking of the danger I was placing myself and my loved ones in? How had I survived without that life-saving label? For heaven's sake, a gun (which, as we all know is not a toy and is very dangerous) doesn't even have a warning label on it! "Warning: Contains bullets. Proper use may result in death." How much more dangerous must a Coke be to warrant such a caution? Gingerly, so as not to set it off, I set the bottle down, then immediately approached the clerk to ask him if I needed a licence to buy a soda. He looked at me as if I had just swollowed a love poodle, but he smiled and said no. I was astounded! So I leaned in closer, and demanded to know if there was a seven day waiting period. Again the answer came back negative, and he asked me (kindly, yet firmly) if I would leave the store. My mind reeled -- well, it didn't do an actual reel, more of a jug perhaps. Our government was allowing potentially lethal bottles of soda to be purchased and wielded by inexperienced imbibers -- perhpas even ex-convicts or communistst! I ran screaming from the store, much to the relief of the clerk. When I gained control of my senses once more, I found myself dressed completely in polyester, sitting in the top of a tree in the ocelot exhibit in the local zoo, a purple beanie on my head. I don't know where I had been, but I had seen a vision -- next year's NYPD Blue pilot -- |
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"Damnit, I need backup -- NOW! He's got a bottle of soda, and he's opening with the cap pointed towards the girl's face! Of course the contents are under pressure, you fool! No! There goes her eye! Its no longer all fun and games! Lets cut to a gratuitous sex scene." But I don't want to talk about sex, NYPD Blue, or even soda. What I want to talk about is lawsuits. The point I was trying to make is that in America we have warning labels on some soda bottles. We even have them on bottles of champaign. Now let us travel to France for a moment. France is where champaign comes from, in case you've always wondered why it had a French-sounding name and all those extra letters. If you can't afford to go to France right now, just pretend. Imagine that I am the trolley from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, and I am going to take you to the Land of France, in lieu of the Land of Makebelieve. Okay, we're in France. If you pick up a bottle of champaign in France, you will see lots of funny labels, but none of them will warn you of the danger you are in. Nothing will prepare you for the possibly life-threatening situation you face. Now I'm sure you are asking yourself "Chris, so what? Who gives a flying pile of mongoose spleens anyway?" But why is there this difference between France and America? Is it because the French care about their people less than the Americans? Is it because thier champaign is under less pressure (due to Prozac) than ours? No. It is simply because the French believe that if you manage to blow your head off while opening a bottle of champaign and kill yourself with a cork, you deserved every bit of it. Darwin at work, no lawsuit, laughter at the funeral. Here in America, however, we have a constitution to protect us from the communist ways of the French. And the 67th Amendment guarentees us the right to be stupid and blame someone else for our stupidity. If we manage to die from a soda cap to the eye, its Pepsi's fault. If we are driving with hot coffee and burn ourselves, it's McDonald's fault. If we tie a piano wire around our neck and then leap from a tall bridge, its Yamaha's fault. If we tresspass onto a crocodile farm and tease the little gators untill they chomp on us, it's the owner who is responsible for our missing limbs. Our legal system is devoted to protecting the stupid and the ignorant, as well as defending their right to stay that way. So ignore the "Keep Out" signs, and open your soda bottles recklessly, because not only will our Government back you 100% of the way, but it might make you rich in the process. Just yesturday I went to dry my hands on a towel machine in a restaurant, and I read "Warning: Improper use may result in injury or death." I immediately tried to imagine how on earth someone could possible injure themselves on such a harmless-looking contraption. Not because I wanted to aviod harm. Oh no. I was hoping I could sue someone. |
