"Elevator Follies!"
by Sean McBride
(Sorry the title is so stupid.)

Elevators can be fun. Our elevator likes to play this little game called "Stop." That's where you press a button to go to the floor of your choosing, and it sits there and laughs at you. Oh, it yuks it up all right! But it's going down, baby, it's going down for real this time, and that ain't no booty!          It all started when a boy named Harold took the elevator down to pick up his pizza (the names have been changed to protect the pizza). Well he was going along his merry way when all of a sudden, from out of nowhere -- Nothing!! And exactly twelve minutes of it, to be precise, because that's how long he was sitting in the elevator like a big jerk, with no one to hear his futile, echoing screams. Finally, though, a heroic RA named Ted came by and saved the pizza.          Well that scared everyone real good, till they turned the elevator back on, and everyone started getting stuck in it again. You may think it's the kind of thing that happens to "somebody else," but there's a good chance that the "somebody else" could be you! So here are a few simple guidelines you should follow if you ever find yourself stuck in the elevator like a big jerk.          First of all, don't panic. You must calmly press the emergency alarm and then proceed to scream your head off like a crazed and rabid chimpanzee. If no one comes to your rescue within the first five minutes, go to Plan B, which is to coax the elevator into moving again by reassuring it that it's loved and by singing it "Don't Worry, Be Happy" in a soothing voice. If none of these work, then let's face it man, you're screwed. You might as well start writing your will out on the wall with your own blood. And if that becomes the case, then remember me when you're deciding who gets your stereo, because I could always use a better system, and maybe if I got enough stereos, we could use one to put elevator music in those things. You know what it'd be, don't you? That's right, it'd be "Love in an Elevator" twenty-four hours a day, baby. Just kidding, Aerosmith sucks.

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Sean McBride likes gray rainy days, room temperature days, foggy days, and reasonably warm days. Also, his keyboard is completely painted in funny little icons that make non-typists' heads explode. He spends most of his time wondering what he's doing at Penn State and not at Penn.

Only in Wisconsin

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that Thing should not have that many legs