Authors Note: The Opinions presented in the following article do not necessarily represent the opinions of the author or anyone related to "The Electric Big Bang Swing Machine." Just because it is appearing in "The Electric Big Bang Swing Machine" means nothing. You should not form interpret this article to mean that anyone at all believes anything presented hereafter. This is not to say no one holds these opinions, it's just saying that neither I nor the Swing Machine accepts any responsibility at all for what follows.
"Only in Wisconsin"
by Tony Lastowka
Prologue
To understand this story, the reader has to be aware if the Wisconsin Conspiracy. Sean McBride once touched on it in an article at
Cool Beans Inc., but it is much, much larger and twisted than anyone knew at the time. If you don't know what I'm talking about, trust me, you are one of the lucky ones.
I was walking down the poorly lit street. It could have been any city in the world. But it wasn't, it was the capital of Wisconsin. I can't remember the name right now, but I don't find it surprising since it doesn't actually exist. Whatever, it doesn't matter.
Anyway, I was walking down the street when all of a sudden it started to rain profusely. I didn't feel like being wet, and looking around I spotted a little pub on the amidst the many empty building. There was a weathered oak sign hanging above the door and on that sign was printed a single word, "Pub."
I pushed open the door and walked into the quaint little establishment. There was some light jazz playing in the background, adding to the somber mood emanating from the joint. There were several people scattered around, each keeping to themselves except for two men at the bar who we're involved in their own conversation. One of them was a small man of about sixty, while the other guy was bigger and younger, probably about forty-five. I walked up to the counter and sat down.
After a few moments the bartender walked up. "What can I getcha?" He inquired.
"Orange juice," I replied, "on the rocks." He nodded and turned around to the wall of drinks behind him. While he was getting my drink, I listened in on what the two men next to me were talking about.
"My garden is going pretty well this year," said the younger man.
"Not mine." Replied the older guy. "It was going really well until all the freaking deer started coming out of the woods and eating everything. It wasn't always this way, you know. I remember back in the good old days, before everything was on the endangered species list. Back the they weren't such a problem, but now!"
"We'll why don't you do something about them? How about putting pepper spray on your plants? I heard that really helps. They can't stand the taste of the pepper, so they go find something else."
"Nope, I tried that. Didn't even slow 'em down. They must be super-deer or something. It's those damn Democrats I tell you!" Just then the bartender returned with my drink.
"That'll be two bucks," he quipped. That seemed pretty steep for a glass of orange juice, but it was the off-season, and this was Wisconsin, so I decided not to contest it. I paid for my beverage and turned back to the gardeners.
"Well... hmm... How about one of those sonic things? You know, those things that humans can't hear, but they drive animals crazy? Did you try that?"
"Yes sir, I tried that. Let me tell you, humans can hear those suckers. Damn near drove me insane. I couldn't figure out how to turn the piece of junk off. All this new-fangled technology these days. Eventually, I just smashed it with a hammer. Now there's a tool that does what it's supposed to!"
"Well then, How about a fence? If they can't get to you're vegetables, they can't eat them."
"Listen you whippersnapper, I had one of them too, but the damn things jumped over. I tell you, they're crafty little suckers."
"I don't know what to tell you then, Bob. I guess you'll just have to deal with them. " At that moment the bartender cut into the conversation.
He said "Why don't you shoot them? With a gun. I find that takes care if them real quick-like. I can hook you up with some real good artillery. Low prices and untraceable."
The younger man looked at him. "Don't you think that's a bit extreme? I mean, I'm no animal activist or anything, but is that really necessary?" The older man obviously didn't agree with his companion, for his eyes lit up at the suggestion.
"That's it!" he shouted. "I'll blow their damn heads off!"
"Bob, slow down man." said the younger guy, "It's only some stupid tomatoes! You can have some of my tomatoes if you want!"
"Jim, I don't care about the tomatoes! It's the principl! If I give in to the deer, I admit defeat! Those @#$%ing deer are no better than rodents! They deserve to die!" Suddenly, a man sitting at a table across the room jumped up. He was dressed in army fatigues and had a gun on his belt.
"That's right, they're no better than the niggers!" he shouted, waving his gun around wildly. At this point two men who we're dressed in suits at another table fell out of their chairs and onto the floor coughing. The commando dude looked at them an scowled. "I know who you are. You're those two guys who got that colored boy off the hook after he robbed that bank! Some garbage about no evidence and videotapes of a white guy doing it! It's people like you who help the inferior pigs get away with it!
I heard a crash behind me and spun around to see a huge black man standing up, throwing the table out of his way. "What did you say?" he shouted at GI Jerk.
"I said you're inferior, blackie!" he returned. "You and the damn Latinos are ruing this country! Go back to your tribes!" That was all it took. The big guy rushed the commando and they both flew through the window with a loud crash. Outside, the sounds of fighting and cursing could be heard.
Meanwhile, Jim and Bob we're still at it. Jim was talking. "Couldn't you at least use a BB gun? That would just sting a little. A lot more humane, don't you think."
"BB? Ha!" Bob shouted. "I'll kill them all. No deer will be safe from my wrath! Bambi, watch out, here comes Bob!" He jumped up and ran for the door, but was stopped another man who had been sitting near the door. He had long hair and little round sunglasses, as well as
bell-bottoms.
"Murder!" he shouted. "I must protect my animal friends!" He then began beating the poor old man senseless. I thought about helping him, but the bartender was already on him. He was shouting too.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, you damn hippie?!" he yelled as he tore him off Bob and threw him across the room. It's people like you that make it so I can't own automatic weapons! We lost 'Nam to dykes like you! You had a duty to your country and you abandoned it! All your music and free love! Communists! You're all Commies! You and all the other left-wing sissies!"
The two lawyers who had been choking recovered and were creeping towards the door. They were almost there when the commando guy burst through the door, airborne, pinning them to the floor. Right behind the man came a load of people with the big, black guy and began beating the commando.
When I felt this had gone on long enough, I pulled out my cell phone and called the police. The melee continued for a few more minutes as the sirens grew louder and louder. I sat at the bar watching and sipping my orange juice. Suddenly the sirens stopped and the door flew open. The cops ran in the door and grabbed the black guy. They slapped him in cuffs and then began shocking him with tazers. Upon seeing this, the two lawyers started shouting "Police brutality!" and showed the man their business cards.
It was at this particular moment that I decided to leave. I ran out the door and kept running. I didn't stop until I reached the state line, and I vowed never to go to Wisconsin again.
Epilogue
To this day I still don't understand what the hell was going on. I only know one thing, and that is that nobody should ever go to Wisconsin, but if someone chooses to ignore my warning and go ahead anyway, they should never, ever, ever talk about gardening. It's far too touchy of a subject.
Another Author's Note: I want to make it quite clear that I am against racism and hate crimes in all forms. This is an irrelevant work of fiction and nothing more. If you agree that these types of crimes have to be stopped, write to your lawmakers and tell them that! Tell them you won't stand for backyard gardening anymore!
Tony Lastowka Tony Lastowka doesn't smile. Never ask him to smile because he will just inform you of this fact. Just recently, a perfectly nice girl named Brianne tried to make him smile despite his protests, and look where she is now.
Speaking of Tony Lastowka, did you know he was born in a zoo? There was much press coverage at this event due to the fact that most animals do not breed well in captivity. It was later pointed out that although he was born in a zoo, he had been conceived where most humans are, a good old fashioned truck stop. But it was too late, the damage had already been done...
