"Dood!" by Tony Lastowka

by Tony Lastowka

         In my life I have met all kinds of people, some interesting, some cool, most stupid. Since I arrived at college, I have met many more people, who fit a similar model. One person sticks out in my mind today, and that person is a guy who goes by the name of Bennet.

         Bennet is from Long Island, New York. He has a medium to heavy build and is about 5’8”. To any casual observer he is a normal, boring person. I however, am not the casual observer. Bennet has one trait that makes him stand out, which is his vocabulary. More specifically, his favorite pronoun: “Dood.”

         Just to be clear, I do not mean to type “dude.” Bennet’s “dood” has the same basic meaning, but is much more versatile, in that “o’s” can be added depending on it usage. Here are some of the more common forms:

         “Dood.” - The basic word. Usually a greeting.

         “Doooood!” - Exclamation. This usually conveys shock or awe.

         “Doooooooooooood!” - Bennet is mad. Stop what you’re doing or face his wrath.

         I firmly believe that Bennet makes a conscious effort to use the word “dood” as often as he possibly can, and he succeeds in this endeavor whether it is actually his goal or not. Often, he can spout out several sentences, using his word in every single one. For example:

         “Dooooooooood! Dood I am gonna smack you in the mouth! Oh dooooooood! You better stop it right now dood!”

         Bennet uses the word dood to the degree that the majority of US citizens between the ages of 5-25 use the word “like.” It is absolutely impossible for him to get through a conversation without saying “dood.” During dinner, myself and another friend had an idea based on that fact. When we returned, I confronted him with it. Here’s how it went.

         “Hi Bennet.”

         “Hey Tony. How’s it goin’ dood?”

         “All right. I have a proposition for you, wanna hear it?”

         “Sure dood, what is it?”

         “If I can find 100 people to each contribute $1, do you think you could go for 24 hours without saying ‘dood?’ If you do, you can keep the money, but if not, every person involved gets to push you down the stairs!”

         “Doooood! Yeah, I’ll do that dood!”

         “Okay, I’ll let you know when I have the people.”

         “Dood, ok.”

         One time there was this episode of the Simpsons where Homer fell off a cliff and bounced down the mountainside, shouting “Doh!” every time he hit something. That’s how I envision Bennet on the stairs.

         “Bang! Dood! Bam! Doooood! Crash! Doooood! Whack, Slam, Pow! Dooooooooooooooooooooooood!”

         Well, I started asking around, for about 5 minutes. I already have 12 takers. If support remains strong I’ll try to get the media involved. If all goes well, Bennet will be crashing into prime time this November on NBC.

Tony Lastowka hasn't done much lately, but he has some advice for you: Never do anything when you are really tired. No construction, no athletics, and no love letters. Especially no love letters. It doesn't matter how good the idea sounds, you will regret it. Sleep a while, and then think about what you were going to do. You'll see I'm right. Stop it, I want my fork back!

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