"Jivin'!" by Stranger-Boy

by Stranger-Boy

         Sup. A funny wahtahmellun happened t'me on de way t'de laundromat today. Slap mah fro! I wuz walkin' waaay down de street, mindin' mah' own business, when anoda' man came down to me and said, "Friend, could ya' spare some dollar?"

         And ah' said, "A dollar? What you is goin' t'do wid some dollar?"

         He replied, "I gots' de Bubonic plague and ah' am collectin' research funds to help find some cure fo' mah' sickness."

         "De Bubonic plague. Right On!" ah' exclaimed. "Dere's no hope fo' ya'. Take dis dollar, but duzn't spend it on research. Youse gona' be dead in less dan dree days. Just go out and git drunk off yo' butt. In fact, here, snatch twenty dollars. ah' duzn't need it."

         And ya' should gots' ta seen de man's face light up. "Dank ya', homey. Right On!" He smiled some great big-ass smile. What it is, Mama!

         "Anydin' fo' anoda' broder," ah' told him cheerfully. Slap mah fro!

         Den ah' realized, dig dis: he dun didn't gots' Bubonic plague at all. He wuz Michael Buckwheatson. Boy wuz ah' eva' pleased. Right On!

Now what would you say if I told you that I am a white middle-class nerd who really doesn't speak an iota of jive? You'd probably say "Nuh-uh!" right? Wrong! I used a special e-mail filter to translate my banal, grammatically-correct account into a compelling, true-to-life tale. And you can do the same! Impress your comrades with your newly-found prowess over multiple dialects with this special filter that was has been around for a long time, but has just recently had an e-mail filter written for it by our friend Vin at the University of Pennsylvania.

Spice up plain old English with a little bit of jive!

Before: Please do not point your big gun at my head, my friend.
After:  Please don't be pointin' yo' big-ass gun at mah' 'haid, mah' homey.

Or try on Valley Girl for size!

Before: I missed the fall sweater sale at the Limited!  
        There is no reason for me to go on!
After:  I missed thuh fall sweater sale at thuh Limited!  Oh, wow!  
        Like, there is no reason for me to go on!  Gag me with a pitchfork!

Wanna learn how to talk like a real hacker? Warez is for you!

Before: I hacked the Gibson, so let's go rollerblade! 
        I'll bring the Jolt, and you bring the warez.
After:  I haCKEd The Gibs0n, s() |3t's G0 r0lleRblAde!
        1'l| brING the J()lt, N U bRing th3 WAReZ.

And of course, the Swedish Chef gets to have a say!

Before: First, you must chase the chicken with a cleaver and then 
        chop it in half many times.
After:  Furst, yuoo moost chese-a zee cheeckee veet a cleefer und zeen 
        chup it in helff muny teemes. Bork Bork Bork!

Best of all, it's free! Here's how to use it. Write whatever you have to say in an e-mail message, and send it to filters@hnwb405.resnet.upenn.edu. But make sure to include the keyword of the dialect you want it to be translated to: choose from "jive," "valley girl," "warez," and "chef." You'll get a response e-mail almost right away that contains your translated message! It's as simple as that. Right now dough, mah' business calls me elsewhere, ah' gots'ta leave. So have fun wid it, kids. But most of all, ya''ve gots'ta remember. Ah be baaad..... to slap mah' 'fro. Right On! I'm out uh here. What it is, Mama! What it is.

Stranger-Boy is stranger than the av-e-rage boy! Right, Yogi? Isn't that right, you IMBECILE?! You said you'd always love me! You said I'd always be #2 right after your pick-a-nick baskets! I hate you and I hate your stupid pick-a-nick baskets! ...Just kidding. I don't hate pick-a-nick baskets. I just hate the way my hand smells.

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