"Getting on the Internet in Lancaster" by John O'Hara

by John O'Hara

         I was recently talking with a good friend of mine from Lancaster who was complaining how hard it is to get on the Internet from there. It seems that every time he went to the local computer store, he was assaulted by a group of pitchfork-wielding buggy drivers that would drive him away and expound him on the evils of the Dark Lord.

         Now this was a definite problem for him, because he wasn't even Amish. However, my friend is a persistent little bugger, and he wasn't going to let a few flesh wounds keep him away from the Internet. No sir, not this man. So he set about finding a way not only to connect to the world, but also avoid being burned at the stake in the process. Now, I was not present during these events, but from what was been related to me, this is how the deed was accomplished.

         First, he hollowed out a butter churn. This was not very difficult since most butter churns are already hollow in the center. He then placed the CPU inside, but first he coated it with a special butter retardant finish in case anyone mistook it for what it was disguised as. Then, since the monitor was too bulky to fit inside the churn, he hid it under a broken wagon wheel, which are prevalent in his area. This was all well and good, but where was he to keep the keyboard? This answer was solved when he saw his neighbor on his porch reading his Industrial-sized Bible, which is issued to all citizens of the Amish county. He then hollowed it out and placed the keyboard inside.

         Now, whenever he wants to get on the Internet, all he was to do is go out on the porch, sit down next to the butter churn, open his Industrial-sized Bible and stare at the broken wagon wheel on his front lawn. This may seem strange to you, but remember that this is exactly the sort of activity a majority of the people in Lancaster concern themselves with most evenings, being Amish and all, so he should be safe for now.

John O'Hara is finally faced with the oh-so-dreaded process of choosing and applying to colleges. Last week when the college pressures reached their peak, John broke out in maniacal laughter and wouldn't stop singing, "The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round!" and claiming defiantly that he wasn't going to attend college at all, that he was destined to become a substitute bus driver. He then darted outside and hijacked a school bus full of Japanese ambassadors, treated them all to McDonald's, and then drove them all back to their homes (in Japan). One of the ambassadors was quoted as calling John was "the best substitute driver ever."

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