Dear Editor:          What the heck is the Swing Machine? --Joseph Boyle Dear Joe,          If you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you! I mean, that time when I asked everyone to write me letters, I expected people to know what I was talking about so I wouldn't have to waste everyone else's time with stupid questions like "What the heck is the Swing Machine?" just because I only got two letters and had to write the third one myself! Sheesh! When I take over the world, I'm banishing you to New Jersey! Dear doctor editor duh guy sir,          Does you mind ef I hack yur website? I wunna try something I saw in thut 2400 magazine. -Dr. Wheresdabeef Dear Dr. Wheresdabeef:          I am not Doctor Duh! If I were that criminally insane quack of a doctor, I would probably shoot myself in the head! And it would be an improvement! Dear Editor:          Mind if I just call you Ed? So, Ed, I've been wondering. Just how long do you think you can carry on this poor charade of being a happy little American e-zine about "Absolutely Nothing" when everybody knows that it's all about YOU and your evil Communist plot to commandeer the Internet with your dastardly political influence, you wretched Commie bastard, you!?          a) one year          b) two years          c) till next Thursday          Please be prompt with your reponse. I ask merely for information. --Stu Well, Stu, (your last name wouldn't happen to be "Pididiot," would it?) I'd have to choose d), q) and z) because:          d) I am not a Communist. Time to wake up and smell yourself, dummy. The Cold War is over!          q) I hate Charades and I always have hated Charades! I'd be far more likely to engage in a one-legged butt-kicking contest than to reduce myself to Charades! and...          z) for "zee you lator." A hot game of Tetris with my comrades awaits!