20 questions
by Mike McLaughlin & Sean McBride


         Americans are only concerned with the hard issues. We are not ones to be content with standing in the dark. In the past, we have demanded the truth, we have fought for it, and we have earned that knowledge which has been denied us and which we have a right to possess. The present is no exception. We're tired of being jerked around like a puppy on a leash; we want the cold, hard facts immediately! These twenty questions are the ones that we, the American people hold to be the most crucial:

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  1. Is Leonardo DiCaprio really gay?
  2. Which beer will give me the most sex appeal?
  3. What are all seventeen-year-old guys really looking for in a girl?
  4. What makes transsexual Nazi devil-worshipers tick?
  5. And what about the women who love them?
  6. Does this shirt make me look fat?
  7. How many women did Bill Clinton really have sex with?
  8. When is Elvis making his big comeback?
  9. How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop, already?
  10. Is the 18-year-old girl I'm talking to on the Internet really a fat, balding 40-year-old man, or is that just what her AOL profile says?
  11. Can my doctor prescribe marijuana for my chronic lack of liver due to aliens dissecting it?
  12. How much money did they auction JFK's toothbrush for?
  13. Where are the female aliens?
  14. How do strippers maintain their dignity with all those men gawking at them?
  15. Nevermind, baby. Just take it off!
  16. If I watch a movie with violence in it, does that mean I can go out and kill people and then blame it on the TV?
  17. Where does Jerry Springer find these people?
  18. Is John Tesh Madonna's baby's father?
  19. If I'm so stupid that I don't know that coffee is hot even though I drink it regularly and then I spill it on myself and it hurts, can I rest assured the government will protect my stupidity and help me win the millions of dollars from the people who sold me the coffee even though there was nothing they could have possibly done to protect me from my own stupid self?
  20. Who's REALLY in charge of the country, Hillary, Bill (Gates, of course), or the Dancing Baby?
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These are the 20 questions that are truly important to us Americans.


Mike McLaughlin is one of the world's budding young dictators, #5 on Totalitarian Magazine's Most Likely to Conquer Earth List 1998. Under his decievingly quiet exterior and various fronts (speculation surrounds the true nature of WissChat) he is slowly engineering society to yield to his mind control devices. One day, you will wake up and suddenly be willing to do anything for this guy, even if you've never even heard of him. That's right, ladies. Anything. If his power and genius so desires, he can even make you drink store brand cola for breakfast! Beware!

Sean McBride does the Dew and runs for the border and can't eat just one and knows where he wants to go today and has a nose that always knows and likes when they do it like he does it and melts in your mouth not in your hand and is kid-tested and mother-approved and isn't going to pay a lot for this muffler and has to make the donuts and goes for the gold and just does it. But just like every other American, he does not let advertisements affect him at all, at least not that he is aware of.



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