Dear Doctor Duh...

Dear Dr. Duh,
Why is the sky falling?
-Jordan, Blue Bell, PA

Dear Jordan,
Do not fear, my friend! The sky is not falling. In fact it is not going anywhere. You are falling up. Goodbye.

Hi,

         Yeah once I got this e-mail letter that said if I ever got an e-mail with the subject THIS E-MAIL CONTAINS A DEADLY VIRUS then I would get a virus that would format my hard drive, make my monitor explode, give me scurvy, shave my dog's fur off, deplete the rainforests, and send the world into economic and moral ruin. Well the very next day I got an e-mail that said THIS E-MAIL CONTAINS A DEADLY VIRUS and I shouldn't have read it, Doc, but ya know what, I did anyway and, like, I felt pretty sorry about depleting the rainforests and all.
         Then I went to Dunkin' Donuts.

-The guy who accidentally depleted all the rainforests

Dear guy who accidentally depleted all the rainforests,

         Ordinarily, I would explain to you that it is impossible to contract a computer virus through e-mail that can damage your computer, make your dog's hair fall out, and do something as preposterous as deplete the rainforests! I would tell you not to fret over the silly possibility of such global catastrophes! And I would give you my personal guarantee that you will never contract one of these so-called "e-mail viruses."
         Yes, I would tell you these things, but obviously you don't care. Oddly, you seem to care more about donuts than any bad thing that can ever happen to you. Well I'd just like to remind you of one little thing: everyone knows that donuts grow in donut trees, right? And where are those donut trees? Well they're mostly in Pittsburgh, of course, where 99% of the world's rainforests are located. So, my computer-illiterate friend, I hope you realize that if you depleted the rainforests, you would cut off your own donut supply and send the entire world including yourself into SDWS (Severe Donut Withdrawal Syndrome), which is why you should always look both ways before going to the bathroom.

Hello!
         Hey, am I on the inter-net? Man this is cool! Hi mom! Hi dad! Hi Jesse! Hey Jesse you still owe me a chocolate fribble! Hee hee! Look at me! I'm on the inter-net! Wow, I think I can see Madagascar from here! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Dear Idiot,

         You will serve as an excellent example.
         Let me tell you a little story. When I was a little boy I had a friend named Frederick. Frederick was crazy about sardines. He ate sardines on top of everything. He ate them on top of his pizza, on his breakfast cereal, in his soup, and right in his tea. He ate them by themselves; he ate them after cough syrup to get the weird taste out of his mouth.
         Tomorrow Frederick is going to fall into a trash compactor and get squished like a fat sardine pancake.
         Now let me tell you why I told you this story. You see, Frederick isn't really my friend. Frederick is you. And the moral of the story is that I hate sardines. Just keep that in mind.

E-mail me, Doctor Duh, with your questions and problems! Other people's entertainment depends upon your revealing your most vulnerable side to me and then having me make fun of you!

If you like my advice column at all, you can peruse my archives way back from my Cool Beans Inc. gig. Frankly, they're much better than this week's installment.