Dear Doctor Duh...

Dude,
This guy who said he was the editor of this e-zine sold me a two-year subscription to the Swing Machine for $79.95. When I found out later that everyone gets it for free, I was f***ing PISSED! When I find that skinny little jerk I'm gonna kick his ass!

-Randy, Blue Bell, PA

My Dear hot-headed Randy,
I'm sorry, but I'm only the advice columnist; I don't run the magazine. If you want some advice, I'd suggest e-mailing the editor himself. His e-mail address is: editor@swingmachine.org.

Hey Dr. Duh,
Aren't you the editor, and isn't Dr. Duh just your pseudonym? That was what I thought.

-Curious in Virginia

Dear Curious in Viriginia,
Shhhhhhhhhhh. ;)

Dude!!
Now I'm gonna kick your f***ing ass! You're so dead! I'm gonna wreck you, Duh Man! What the f*** kind of name is Dr. Duh, anyway? What are you, some kind of nerd? Well F*** YOU, nerd! You're DEAD! When I find out where you live, I'm gonna --- Blah blah blah blah... (Editor's cut)

That one was from Randy again.

My Dear Imbecilic Randy,
Eighty bucks! I can't believe you paid me eighty bucks! Hah hah! Sucker!!

Doctor Duh,
         You swindled me and my family out of fifty-thousand dollars! You said we'd be investing in one of the most established and productive advice columns ever. I thought it was a little weird, investing in an advice column, but I took your advice, and I gave you the money. That was our entire savings, and I never saw a cent of it come back! We lost our house, so we had to live in cardboard boxes, where our dog, Sparky, died of pneumonia. I couldn't pay for gas, so I lost my car. I couldn't drive to work, so I lost my job completely, and now we have nothing! Our lives are completely ruined, all thanks to you Doctor Duh!
         Now, I could be very angry with you. I would even sue you if I had the money, but I don't even have enough money to buy medicine for my sick children. All I want to know is: Why, Doctor Duh? Why did you do this to us?

-Stanley in a cardboard box in Philadelphia

Dear Stanley,
         Why did I do it? Well, just something to do, I guess. But I'll tell you what--I have this other deal going, it'll be Big Bucks if you're interested! It's wombats, man. Wombat zoos are the wave of the future! I only need one more investor, someone to put in $100,000. Let me know if you're interested, I promise Big Bucks if you're in! Have your people call my people! Oh, and sorry about Sparky, by the way. Should've gotten a wombat. Dogs may perish, and cats may run out of lives, but a wombat is forever.

E-mail me, Doctor Duh, with your questions and problems! Other people's entertainment depends upon your revealing your most vulnerable side to me and then having me make fun of you!