Help Topics

by Mike McLaughlin

1. Flat screen TVs and monitors have been standard for years. Manufacturers are forced to add on the old amount of depth because furniture makers have yet to catch up with the pace of technology, and picture hook makers need to develop a new alloy capable of holding a TV. So, if you want your TV to be flat, simply saw off the back, disregarding all of the apparent electronic equipment back there. It's only there to fool repairmen and thus maintain the coverup.

2. Decaf coffee isnt really decaffinated. They just drown out the caffeine with crack.

3. In the early 1980s, scientists discovered that by applying a shiny paint to vinyl records, the encoded music could be compressed. Marketing agents then made up the whole "digital revolution" because they thought the scientists used fingerpaints (ie. digits)

4. Designer clothes have pheromones in their dyes. Really.

5. Sport Utility Vehicles are capable of getting 50 mpg, but only on the last gallon, which is located on the other side of the "E" on the gas gauge. Try it the next time you think you need gas! It really works!

6. All truly useful inventions were pushed out of the mainstream by jealous corporations and into infomercials, where no one will ever take them seriously.

7. There is no seven. Some greek guy made it up as a prank.

8. Humans have been artificially created for centuries by spreading tabasco sauce on gingerbread men (note: this only works if the creators are drunk)

9. Flying saucers can be made at home by taking an ordinary saucer and hooking it up to a Pentium II chip. This will only hover, however. For space travel, you also need a dinner plate and a voodoo2 card.

	10. Windows 98 will support virtual reality. To activate it, first crash the operating system (this is simple. just open a program) then bang your head against the screen until it enters the inside of the monitor. That's all there is to it. (note: this will not work for flat screen monitors)

b i o g r a p h y

Mike McLaughlin is a researcher at the National Institute for Scam Propagation who felt morally obligated to reveal the preceding scams to the world after finding them hidden deep in his employer's records. Fortunately, his boss is a thirty year veteran in the Institute who has been rendered so paranoid by his work that he believes the entire Internet is a scam, so Mike is under very little risk of getting fired for his actions here. This is all true.

2. Decaf coffee isnt really decaffinated. They just drown out the caffeine with crack.

3. In the early 1980s, scientists discovered that by applying a shiny paint to vinyl records, the encoded music could be compressed. Marketing agents then made up the whole "digital revolution" because they thought the scientists used fingerpaints (ie. digits)

4. Designer clothes have pheromones in their dyes. Really.

5. Sport Utility Vehicles are capable of getting 50 mpg, but only on the last gallon, which is located on the other side of the "E" on the gas gauge. Try it the next time you think you need gas! It really works!

6. All truly useful inventions were pushed out of the mainstream by jealous corporations and into infomercials, where no one will ever take them seriously.

7. There is no seven. Some greek guy made it up as a prank.

8. Humans have been artificially created for centuries by spreading tabasco sauce on gingerbread men (note: this only works if the creators are drunk)

8. Humans have been artificially created for centuries by spreading tabasco sauce on gingerbread men (note: this only works if the creators are drunk)

9. Flying saucers can be made at home by taking an ordinary saucer and hooking it up to a Pentium II chip. This will only hover, however. For space travel, you also need a dinner plate and a voodoo2 card.

10. Windows 98 will support virtual reality. To activate it, first crash the operating system (this is simple. just open a program) then bang your head against the screen until it enters the inside of the monitor. That's all there is to it. (note: this will not work for flat screen monitors)