For years, I had been convinced of the nonexistence of that "state" known as Wisconsin. Swayed by the editorial brilliance of Cool Beans Inc., I was confident that "Wisconsin" was nothing more than a big happy colored splotch on the map designed to conceal some huge hole in space-time maintained for some secret purpose. What that purpose was, I could not be sure, but it certainly had to have something to do with aliens, black helicopters, and Microsoft Bob.

Fig. 1: Note that the transparency of Canada and opacity of Illinois is not meant to indicate whether these areas exist. Only the nonexistence of Wisconsin is certain. And no, there isnt a huge polar bear hanging on to the edge of the Earth's crust in the real world... at least, we don't think there is.

         Then, I went to college in Chicago. For the geologically, er, geographically challenged, Chicago is practically right next to Wisconsin, according to the maps. Furthermore, I met people there who claimed to have grown up in Wisconsin, and they weren't aliens or cute little happy faced marketing debacles, either. Somehow, I expected living next to a huge void to be different... voidier somehow... I should have at least noticed some odd ripples in the structure of the universe. I doubted my beliefs. I even caught myself thinking that Wisconsin was a real place.

         Then, at the end of the year, I went there. My dad was driving me home to good ol' Blue Bell, but first we took a detour to Minnesota to see my cousin graduate from college. Wisconsin was between us and Minnesota. We had to brave the unknown stretch of possible nonexistence.

         The first thing I noticed upon entering Wisconsin was the lack of a notice. There was no "Welcome to Wisconsin. J. Random Bob, Governor" sign. This, I reasoned, could be just forgetful Wisconsinites, or it could be so people wouldn't have their attention drawn to the moment the virtual reality engine kicks in (or, to be more accurate, gets more advanced, since all of Illinois outside the Chicago area is, of course, just a flat repeating texture map of some farms and trees and such projected onto another conspiracy with a lower budget than the Wisconsin Conspiracy).

         There was more than enough evidence to support our convictions on the nonexistence of that "state." The landscape was blatantly stolen form other states. There was the aforementioned Illinois plains, then a bunch of rolling hills that made the place look like Lancaster County except without any Amish or cheesy tourist traps -- except the ones involving cheese, such as the restaurants along the highway called "CHEESE" (actually one of the signs read, "CHEESE" in big letters and then "SANDWICHES" in small letters below. I didn't think to notice whether there was a Spatula City nearby). Anyway, after the eerie Amishless Lancaster were a few really big hills. These hills were a huge mistake by the conspirators, of course. Everyone knows hills don't exist in the Midwest. Then there were these weird Badlands ripoff rock conglomerations near some odd military base/summer camp/prison/mental hospital place that looked deserted from our vantage point. To top it off Wisconsin ended with what looked like miniature Appallacian mountains (another violation of the No Hills code) that were either on drugs or crossbreeded with camels. Then there was the Mississippi River, which looked really cool -- but only from the Minnesota side. Minnesota scared us at first... it was that eerie Lancaster stuff again... but it had cows and a billboard for an Amish shoppe at a Texaco station, so all was well.

         Oh, did i mention that there were barely any cows in Wisconsin? I'll get to that after the Denny's thing.

         Yes. We went to Denny's in Wisconsin. It was in a big vacation region that looked like a flattened version of the Poconos' overgrown resortishness. It looked pretty normal at first... had the Claw game that always steals your money, and the same assortment of middle-aged-to-old daytime Denny's customers. Then I noticed the servers. It was like looking at the same person at four different ages. Our server was the oldest, around 45... I made a point to remember her name, but I was sleep deprived, so I forgot it. She, and all the other employees, had a Fargo accent. I had a sampler. The gas station attendant accross the street was a 50-year-old version of those servers (the 20-something versions were pretty good looking, actually, but I wouldnt want to stay married to one very long. The Fargo accent would drive me nuts). Obviously, cloning and accent stealing from neighboring states is an integral part of the conspiracy.

         Oh, and there was a bicycle gang nearby. One of them had a bike that I call the "Antiunicycle." The wheels were differnet sizes, and the kid leaned back in a chair as he pedaled. Oh, and there were a whole lot of motorcycle gangs. Later, it was explained that there was a convention in Milwaukee for the 60th anniversary of the motorcycle, but I knew this had to be a coverup. Sure, it was the 60th anniversary and all.. but how can one have a convention at a city that doesnt exist? And why were there motorcycle gangs all over the Midwest that weekend, decreasing density as you got further from Wisconsin? And why were they going all over the place, if they were all supposed to go to Milwaukee?

Fig. 2: Diagram of the Vortex, based upon the latest scientific theories

And why were there no cows in the cheese capitol of the nation? Simple. Cheese doesnt come from cows. There is a vortex whose gravity and electromagnetic fields take up the whole of the area of Wisconsin (in our universe. We are, of course, transported to an alternate one when we enter Wisconsin). This vortex can generate matter, usually in the form of aged cheese. That weekend, in honor of the anniversary of the invention of the motorcycle, it was producing aged biker gangs. Where does the Wisconsin Stuff Vortex originate from? Well, given the evidence, and the choice between being created by humans or nature, I have to conclude that it is most likely that aliens constructed it in colonial times, probably while everyone was distracted by some war or that weird looking green guy that gave everyone free liquor.

         So there you have it. The bad news: The conspiracy runs far deeper than any of you realize. The good news: Since cheese doesnt really come from cows, all you vegans out there can eat it again! Now we can move on to more pressing issues... such as a disturbing establishment I became aware of in Chicago known simply as "Menard's." It is most probably the root of all evil. I'll look into it and get back to you.